If you’re a Bangladeshi girl who has made it to your late teenage years/past your teenage years, chances are you have had to fend off multiple heroic knights and marriage proposals. You were born unaware of how this mysterious world works but as time went on and sweet puberty hit you, you began to exude a sweeter smell that attracted men and their female relatives to you like honey attracts bees.
Ugly teeth, ugly nose, ugly ears and an ugly face. Long ago, every element of your face was equally terrifying so a certain sense of balance was maintained. But everything changed when your hideous face finally grew enough to compliment the rest of your facial features and you suddenly realized you weren’t so repulsive anymore. Unfortunately for you, rest of the world noticed too and decided that your sudden un-ugliness made you deserve the best apartment-car-dick-owner in town. Actually, scratch that. Their dicks don’t have to be good, as long as they have one.
And so it began.
1. Friend’s cousin
After many sugary requests and bitter crying, you finally attain the permission to go to a dawat to your friend Saleka’s place, all alone! This is the first time all your friends are hanging out without any adult supervision, so your excitement knows no bounds. What you don’t know of course, is that Saleka’s creepy 26-year-old cousin is actually staring at you from the shadows of their living room, and will proceed to steal your number from unsuspecting little Saleka’s phonebook. He will then proceed to call you at odd hours of night and proclaim his love for you, while keeping his identity hidden. He will say things like
Maleka tomake dekhar por theke amar raat er ghum noshto hoye gese. Tai prottek raate tomake phone kori.
(while furiously masturbating because your 13-year-old voice is too sexy to resist).
When you ask them who they are and where they saw you, they will reply with things like
tumi amake chinba na
dekhsi kono ek jaygay.
If you are smart, after a few days of these calls you will block the number and attempt to forget this ever happened. This is when Majnu’s thirsty throat and the two gems chocolates that worked as sad excuses for testicles will get the best of him. He will now be forced to forgo his mysterious demeanour. Majnu will now approach his cousin Saleka who is half his age, and confess his love for you, her friend. He will then ask Saleka to deliver a letter to you written in red ink and claim he wrote it with his blood. The contents of the letter will be something like- “Tumi amar ekmatro bhalobasha, tumi amake biye na korle ami haat er rog kete suicide korbo. Ei jibon rakhbo na.” And there you have it. Your first wedding proposal. Congratulations.
2. Random dude on social media:
This dude will appear out of nowhere, and his messages will start with something harmless.
You will ignore it. A few days later, you will receive a message from a different account usually containing a compliment on your display picture:
Yes, you don’t know any of them but they think they can woo a strange girl by messaging her on Facebook and saying whatever comes to their mind. You wonder where this sense of entitlement comes from. Well you see, these men believe that their dicks are at least eight inches long and thus they have bigger dicks than anyone else and deserve all the good in the world. Unfortunately, these dudes are also illiterate enough to mistake a centimeter scale for inches.
3. Random woman:
Random Bengali aunties are known for preying upon young girls, doesn’t matter whether they appear to be wild or tame or anything in between. Once they decide that your ovaries are fit to carry their son’s offspring, they will relentlessly hunt you down and stop at nothing. They have an efficient strategy of targeting young virgin sacrifices for their golden sons who are supposedly studying abroad and bringing glory back home (while actually sticking their shona in everything that moves out there in bidesh).
This happened to my friend when we were in class eight-
Two random women rang her doorbell, and the friend, Sokhina, opened the door.
Random Woman 1: Tomar ma bashay ache?
At this point Sokhina lost interest, summoned her mother and went back to her room. Her mother assumed these two ladies were here to discuss the apartment Sokhina’s family had just advertised for rent. But no, they were there for something that hadn’t been advertised yet.
Random Woman 1: Apnar meye ache na? Oije Kamla Bangla Medium School e pore? I want her to marry my son who is studying engineering in England.
Sokhina’s mother, thinking they’re talking about Sokhina’s older sister Morjina: Yes, she’s only in class ten, we’re not going to get her married now. Besides I have an older daughter, Moyna, who we want to get married first.
Random Woman 2: No, we’re talking about the other one, the one in class eight. I believe her name is Sokhina?
4. Cousin’s friend
You began with your friend’s cousin pursuing you. Now your circle will attain maturity, or senior level if you will, with the phrase now being reversed. Your cousin’s friend will now pursue you, with a twist. They won’t pursue you for themselves, you see. They have seen you as a kid and will now want you to marry their younger brother who is a doctor with an engineering degree. Not being as pretty as other Bengali damsels, this is actually how I received my first ever marriage proposal. Something to cherish.
If your beauty and ill-fate goes hand in hand, your older cousin’s friend might pursue you for himself. And if your terrible fortune exceeds your beauty, your cousin will pursue you for himself.
5. Parent’s colleague
If you’re too stupid, you might get stuck at one of the first four types. If not, parent’s colleague is the one whose son you’ll end up marrying, or at least your parents will want you to. If you think you can choose your own husband and marry when you feel ready, you should get yourself a reality check. You are a girl, and everyone knows girls can’t have opinions. Loser.
Bonus: If you’re a guy wondering where’s the article for boys, sucks for you because we don’t have one. If you’re a doctor/ engineer/ rich dude, you’ll get whatever you want. If not, sorry dude. Better cut off your balls or prepare for a hideous wife and life.