8 Types of People You Find in Private Universities

Private universities have a reputation of being the safe haven of many students i.e. public university rejects. As such, a lot of people can be seen in private universities nowadays. The larger the population, the more diverse the people. Being forced to spend my life among these people (being a public university reject myself), I have taken to studying this diversity and today I’m here to enlighten the world about these wondrous specimens.

1. The optimistic virgins:

These people are here only because they want to get laid. Nothing else. They just want some sex and attention. They think they actually stand a chance of scoring one of these girls because they assume all of them are bimbos. They believe that private universities are the promised lands of hot girls. They put themselves to sleep by believing that one of these days a hot girl will make a stupid mistake and fall for their 3 inches.

2. The “what should I do” people:

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These are the people who act like every decision of their lives, such as choosing between sprite and coke or worse, soap and lotion, is a do or die decision. So before doing anything and by anything I mean ANYTHING, they ask as many people as they can. Starting from “where should I write my name in the form?” “how do you spell purple?” to

“how should I spell my name?”

they will ask anything and everything there is.

3. The “do you blaze?” people:

“Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll, baby” said every “blazer” ever. They define their lives with this one sentence, I mean, there’s nothing wrong about it. Except the fact that they just overdo the drugs part because sex requires a partner and rock and roll requires talent and attitude. They smoke pot all the time. They stay high all the time. And they will ask every living soul on the planet, “do you blaze?” God forbid if the answer is in affirmative but you just don’t feel like doing it now, they will instantly come up with their trademark line “jibon koyda mama duida na eggda?”

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4. The club people:

These are the people who actually cry at their graduation. They claim that their club is their home and the people in it are their family. Which is true, because they don’t miss out on any chance to screw over these family members whenever it is about getting something they want such as being an executive body of the club. Apparently they think they are better than others outside the clubs, which is actually true. They’re better at licking asses, being better kamlas, and most importantly, being pretentious fucks.

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5. The loners:

Imagine having no friends and you only have a hot girlfriend. Did I forget to mention she is very needy and possessive? Well she is. This particular hot girlfriend of yours is your typical private university. If you don’t have friends, your university will suck the life out of you. These are the people who stay alone throughout their university lives. They don’t make friends. They eat alone in the cafe, read alone in the library. At the end of the day, these are the people who spread that private universities do the work of a succubus very well.

6. The awardees:

These are the people who do not get accepted to any public university in Bangladesh, but somehow manage to get scholarships in private universities. They have a tendency to remind people that they are an awardee after every five minutes. After the first semester they will be the only people whom you will see crying their eyes out after getting an A- in one of their courses. Some even contemplate suicide but then they get back on their feet again and start with a new vigor to become even more useless this time.

7. The late bloomers:

These are the people who study in private universities for centuries. People invented fire when they started their undergrad but these students still haven’t managed to graduate. They are the most consistent students in private universities. They take courses … they fail. And this goes on for a while.

8. The tomar fb id ta ki?” people:

These are the social sluts of private universities. Where most students face a hard time in making new friends, these people make MILLIONS of them. Don’t get any wrong ideas. They hardly make any friends in the real world, all their friends lie in the virtual real world. Virtual because it’s on a computer screen, real because they don’t have any life outside facebook. They wait every semester to add new people on facebook. They add every living soul in their university. From “pashey bosha shundor meye” to “Nazir choco boy,” they add everyone.

With the diverse spectrum of people that any university, (be that public or private) has to offer, the private peeps have one thing in common. At the start of every semester their dads regret about not pulling out that one particular night. That one major mistake in the form of a very fast sperm (and also a fast orgasm maybe) resulted in the form of an utter failure that is now roaming around a certain university asking for Facebook ids of random shunodri hot chicks.

Imagine my surprise when I wasn’t swarmed with hot chicks as I was promised. I mean, where are all the legendary hot girls whose stories I’ve heard and have fantasized about 8 times a day?

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I guess they are busy being Facebook friends with Nazir Choco Boy who can’t even spell purple. With all this hatred flowing out of my system I need to compensate that with something good to send you people off. I’ve come to meet an array of brilliant folks over here and some of them I’m very glad to call my friends. I guess they aren’t that bad.

Cover design by ObviousNoodles.

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