4 Types of Douchebag Lovers

Love. It’s a word we hear every day. A word that supposedly holds untold and unbelievable amounts of power. Something that makes 2 inches into 6 (and in your case, 2.8). Maruti into Mercedes. Qubee into pre-douchey Link3.

Love is a feeling, we’re told. It’s the ultimate goal in life to find love which should inevitably lead to happiness. LIES. The concept of love is made by companies like Hallmark and Archies trying to sell its ridiculously expensive Gift Cards.

The card will be 900tk sir and, if you would like, you can purchase an exclusive Gift Bag for only 4000tk’ – Douchebag at Archies cash desk.

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Bangladeshis, newly armed with Facebook savviness, have tended to find their own definitions of love. They range from pitiable to Radiomunna levels of wisdom. And so does the lovers. Don’t even get me started on the lovers. What was once meant to be some ultimate force to defeat Lord Voldemort has become something that we lovers use to get into a girl’s pants. Here are some examples :

1. Holy shit! She’s letting me do stuff, must tell others!!

They were deprived of female contact. Probably their entire lives. They probably attended a non- Co-ed school. Then, suddenly, the entire landscape changes. They find someone who is not willing to touch their overworked penises, but is also from the opposite sex! They immediately take a picture for proof and upload it on Facebook for the world to see, giving a caption full of such heartfelt words that would make even RadioMunna admins tip their hats. E.G. This is jAnUU (real name: sHabNUr) ..!!. lEtS mE SEx Her..!!.. 😀 😀 with 69 others.

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2. I have too many gf, looking to potentially sell

They were deprived of female contact. Probably their entire lives. They probably attended a non- Co-ed school.

These future human traffickers are bigger players than Charlie Sheen in his prime. They have refined their game to the point where they have the ability to maintain multiple Sokhinas at any given time. However, it does become a grind to constantly keep grinding (I can merely imagine), thus they show off their acquisitions online and hint at the possibility that they might be up for grabs if the right kind of suitor money ) arrives. E.G. Collage with 4 girlfriends with a caption : All mA 4 Gfs ..!.. aL vRY hOt..!! dNt u ThNK so 2..?!

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3. ‘Desperately looking for one, but trying not to be desperate about it’ type of lover

They were deprived of female contact. Probably their entire lives. They probably attended a non- Co-ed school. (Amazing coincidence)

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These are the ones who’ll probably end up giving THOSE posts on DSD. (I am vry ht. Pls inbox). They’re super attractive, interesting and likeable people. And it’s really a crime that they’re single. I know that, you know that and ,sadly, they know that. Once every interval, they have to let the world know that they’re searching and available. E.G. pReM ke ekHono kHuje Berai…… , jibon ke pUron KoRar Motho manush khuji….., Amar NuNUZZ Borooo ,plez AdD Nowwww……..,,,,. Also these are the type of people who’ll share Laughing Colors and Daniel Amos pictures the most.

4. And finally, The teenage love lasts kind

While the first three had deal with the consequences of a lack of Co-ed systems, these are direct by-products of the co-ed system. The ultimate conformists who have embraced the slicked up hair, tightened up pants and filtered up photo lifestyle (YES I’M TALKING ABOUT GUYS). They have apparently found their perfect female counterparts and are quite overjoyed about it. Nevermind that neither of them have hit puberty yet or both think sex is basically hugging horizontally, love is love. There’s a special place in hell for this kinda scum, I shit you not. E.G. ‘bae, I want you to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You darling, make my nunu grow unlike anything else. It will last forever (the love, not the sudden nunu growth), I just know it. #haterzgonnahate #nunushrunkback #damn

Russian Billionaire Dmitry Rybolovlev recently divorced his wife, giving her about 3 billion pounds as compensation. He probably thought he loved her too. I say this as there’s no way better to motivate us Bangalis without adding a monetary angle to it. 

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Maybe, before you express your ‘lOvE’ for ‘jAaNoO’, consider whether you’d be willing to give her half your Mr. Mango stash, let alone half the contents of your wallet.

 

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