Desperately Seeking? I’d Rather Hide.

My exams have recently ended and the Question of the Day is “You have any plans? Travelling somewhere?” I don’t even have plans to watch a series, let alone travel. So here’s what I should do, if I still want to enjoy the vacation:

“Hey my exams are over. DS ways to have some fun. You guys know any places near the Gorur Haat where I can get high lolz thanks.”

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Having an existential crisis? Can’t find Kim Kardashian’s latest outfit in this city? Want to sell a used cell phone/laptop/guitar? Can’t find a girl who would agree to marry a successful, extraordinary person such as yourself? Desperately Seeking- Dhaka a. k. a. DSD is the solution to all our problems and more. Bangladesh is truly a land of wonders, for its people have actually managed to find a replacement for Google, only better and so much more entertaining.

According to the admins, this group is all about seeking and providing help. Members are not allowed to post spam/offensive comments/irrelevant posts that are ‘just for fun’ and they must not criticize the admins. DSD was founded by the single most terrifying woman in Bangladesh. There’s more chance of you getting away with being a nastik blogger in this damned age than bad-mouthing the pioneer of the social networking scene in Bangladesh, the illustrious leader who revolutionized our Facebook experience. She has a fucking trademark for this, and you DO NOT mess with the trademark.

You must not personally attack this person unless you have a death wish. ‘Cause she will find you and she will ban you from the group. Following is a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few days ago:

“Dost, amake DSD theke ban kore dise.”
“O.”
“Amar ekhon ki hobe? Ami toh DSD chhara bachbo na dost. Amar ek friend *admin apu* ke niye baje kotha likhse tai ami ban khaisi. Amar toh raat e ghum hochhe na dost. Ei jibon ta ar rakhbo na.”

This really happened, I swear on Admin Apu’s nurani bodon.

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There’s a reason why DSD is the phenomenon that it is, and the admins are the least of it. The people who are supposed to be providing help typically just end up providing unadulterated kamla entertainment; and the ones making queries are usually on a whole other level of dumb. Not that there aren’t people who try to use this group the way it’s meant to be used. But honestly, if they were the majority I wouldn’t have anything to write about.

Here’s a usual, popular post:

“Why hasn’t Starbucks come to Bangladesh?”

Some people are in favor of this and some aren’t, but either way these get a huge response, for example:
“Starbucks theika eto taka diya coffee khawar shokh hoise? Tar cheye ei taka daan kor.”
Ya BD suxx, no intrnatnal outlts. Dnt kno y I liv here.”

There are some weirdoes who are absolutely in love with DSD. They are always seeking SOMETHING.

“Hagu korbo, kon position e boshle constipation hoy na bolte paren?”

“Boroi er bichi kheye felle ki shotti pet theke gachh hoy?”

Unfortunately, they’re not joking. They’re really not.

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Then you’ve got people who are being dissed because they look for alcohol and sheesha lounges. I don’t see the point in lecturing them about haram-halal; they’ve already made their choice. But whatever the query is, the replies are way more entertaining.

Q: DS ways to make tanned skin fair.
A: Chele manush hoya forsha howar ichha hoise kan?

Q: Know of any dating sites based in Dhaka?
A: Are you looking for casual sex?

Though I don’t get why someone would seek a dating site in a group where you can seek dates, or even a bride or groom. I think we might even see a wedding take place there, through the comments and photos.

Now, the life of a Bangladeshi Facebook user revolves around cheesy couples, RadioMunna  and news websites. Fear not, because DSD provides all of these!

“DS a sexy girl called Sokhina I went on a date with today. I luv u, bby.”

“Woman cuts off husband’s genitals in Pabna. Click to read full story!”

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If you think that’s graphic, wait till you see Desperately Seeking- Explicit; where you may seek everything from nude models to gay porn. DSD has inspired some truly great things, such as a million other Desperately Seeking groups. The more the merrier, after all.

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Even if DSD has a point, almost everyone has failed to get it; maybe even the admins. If you want to know how you should handle your girlfriend’s PMS-ing, why would you post about it on a group that has 55,000+ members?

This groundbreaking, copyrighted group gets way too many posts every hour. I rarely see my real friends’ stories on my news feed anymore. In fact, I know more about sexy Sokhina and her boyfriend than I do about my best friend right now. That day isn’t far when I start saying “DS a new BFF”.

Unlike most Facebook trends in Bangladesh, this one seems to be permanent. Like most things in Bangladesh, DSD had the potential to be efficient and useful, which was excellently wasted.

If only Harry Potter had access to Desperately Seeking. All he would have to do is post “DS the golden snitch yo” and they’d have won the Quidditch cup every single year.

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