Girlfriend Advice

In the late 90s, I believe, the most popular advice to getting a woman was “be sensitive”.

Then in the 2000s there was “be yourself” and “be confident” depending on whom you asked. There is also less popular relationship advice like “just go out there” and “YOLO”. None of this advice tells you what you should be doing. Take ‘be sensitive’ for example. Am I supposed to play with dolls? Or ‘be confident’. Am I supposed to be confident about playing with dolls? On the other hand, I’ve got some solid advice for you I just made up on the spot. All of these methods have already been tested and proven successful.

Let your special lady know that you’re ready to move the stars for her if need be. Listen to her, see what she wants and let her know that you want what she wants.

“It’s always been my dream to go to France.”
“I would conquer all of France just to spend a romantic evening with you there.”
“Aww. You’d do all that? For me?”
“Baby, all I know is that when I’m with you, I feel like Hitler.”

Pouring your feelings into romantic speeches are great and all, but sometimes a smooth pickup line is all it takes to charm a member of the fairer sex. Go up to her, steady your breathing, flash a smile and with confidence say, “Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like your face hit the pavement.”

Girls like strong, muscular men. Every once in a while, hit her to remind her that you’re still strong and why she fell for you in the first place. When you’re out with her in social events, spontaneously start doing squats to show everyone how much energy you have. All of these will not only ensure you get the girl but keep her too.

Now, you may be muscular but that won’t matter for diddly if you’re placed in a line-up with wrestlers from WWE. These scantily-clad men are professionals at touching other men just how they like it and are the epitome of manliness. Placed in the company of these Adonis-like figures, nobody would pass a second glance your way. When picking up women, you need to choose a location where you are without doubt the alpha male. I prefer crocheting classes, comic book conventions and weaboo get-togethers. Even then, chronic masturbators may provide some competition with their ‘jacked up’ arm muscles. You can probably scare them away by saying, “Oh look, a real woman.”

Dates are fairly simple affairs. Here’s what you need to know. If you two are sitting on the same side of the table, let her lean on you. Then immediately take away your support and watch her tumble and fall. This will send a strong message to her that she needs you. As your date is nearing to an end, touch her hand gently and tell her, “It’ll all be okay”. When she asks what you’re talking about, refuse to talk about it. Ladies like mysterious, caring men and you’ve just hit both targets. However, be wary if she refuses to eat much. She’s making room for eating you later. What are you smiling at? Get out of there! Cannibalism is no joke!

As a parting advice, I’ll say that women aren’t objects. You can’t treat them like that. They are trophies and you have to respect your trophies. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong. Guys say, “I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend,” and receive pats on the back, high fives and congratulations all around. Now, you can’t place these trophies on a shelf but if you take my advice and play your cards right, you can definitely mount them.

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