Are you an English medium student? Don’t know what those Bangla medium kamlas are up to? I’m here to enlighten you. Are you a Bangla medium student? Don’t know what those English medium farm er murgis are up to? I’m here to enlighten you. Please continue to the body of my comparative study because the truth in my words is going to make you as wet as Rubel Hossain makes Virat Kohli’s pants.
1. Taader ki taka ache? Medha ache?
English medium kids are rich snobs. All your suspicions are true. How do you think they are paying their high tuition? Their fathers are rolling in kalo taka. They all own at least four cars. Their textbooks are half the size of a national curriculum textbook therefore they do not learn anything in school. They are dumb fucks that don’t get into public universities.
Bangla medium kids are so poor they wear their school uniform to dawats. They will be lucky to ride one Mitsubishi in a lifetime. They memorize everything, even answers to “creative questions” (whatever the hell may that be) so they are actually idiots. They are also dumb fucks that don’t get into public universities.
Note: Only smart people get into public universities in Bangladesh, and these people don’t go to school. They only go to coaching centers; hence they are not the subject of discussion in this study.
2. Muzik taste kemon? Ki shunle pinik hoy?
English medium: Only listens to One Direction, Kanye West and the likes. They have heard of Paul McCartney, that old dude who made a song with Kanye. They don’t know Bangla music at all. They have some hipsters who worship Eminem because he is white and he don’t got the privilege in the rap. They party to Nicki Minaj’s hip-smashing hits. My anaconda don’t want none, unless your dad got kalo taka hon.
Bangla medium: Listens to “Pink lips pink lips har paal karta tujhko miss” and other Hindi songs. Doesn’t know any cool artists like Rebecca Black and Sasha Grey or Christian Grey or Meredith Grey. Doesn’t know what partying is. They just go to random dawats chaperoned by aunties. Does Bollywood dance moves to Yo Yo Honey Singh and the boys woo girls with “Beautiful classic eye, my eye, your eye.” Here’s an actual conversation I had with a guy I had met only once before:
“Your eyes are amazing.”
“…Thanks I guess but where did you observe my eyes in such detail?”
“If I say in my dreams will you believe me?”
3. Love life/Prem jibon
English Medium: While Bangla medium lads keep trying to woo their ladies with Taher Shah, let’s come back to what English medium kids do. Only one word: group sex (Okay, maybe two). Since they are rich and have a lot to share, tara miley mishe khay. To test the truth of this theory you only have to go to YouTube and watch JajabortheNomad’s videos. He has all the details about how English medium students take part in “group sex” and it makes him mad. He was probably the kid who had to buy all the condoms and was not allowed to take part in the orgy; hence the anger. Anyway, all the English medium girls are really slutty so they wear really tight clothes. They lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. If a seventeen year old English medium girl tells you she’s a virgin, she’s lying. Either she’s not a virgin, or she’s not seventeen. Apparently, this fact holds true with students from a certain Bangla medium girls’ school situated in a certain road that connects the Kakrail-Ramna road with Shiddheswari junction.
Bangla Medium: Most of these unfortunate beings usually go to a single-sex school. The lack of the opposite sex makes half the straight kids participate in incestuous relationships, and the other half finds their other-half on the internet. They usually see their premik/premika once a year or never. Cuz this is pure love, cuz this is pure love. (In this song, written by an Arab guy, “Cuz” is a form of affection that means “cousin”, and this speaks to the heart of thousands of Bangla medium kids). The guys remain virgins until they’re about 30, and the girls get married off at 16 so they basically lose their virginity the same age as English medium gaalz. Single-sex Bangla medium schools also turn a lot of people gay, because everyone wants love, sex aur dhoka and you can choose to be gay.
4. Drug of choice
English medium: Their dads never wear lungi. Their moms always wear sleeveless blouses and are MILFs. After family dinner, they all drink wine and talk about their day. In English. Their children are usually alcoholics because there’s so much legal booze bought with illegal money in their pantry. Sometimes they end up in bad company and try out stuff like LSD.
Bangla medium: Shobuj shobuj pata, ganja mama ganja. And that’s all they can ever do. Unless they somehow make friends with people who dropped out of school, in which case they will try out stuff like heroine, yaba, etcetera.
5. Language – the divide is like the border between North Korea and South
English medium: Je suis Colombie. I am British. They don’t know any Bangla, and bideshis learning Bangla can speak better Bangla than them. They also know that speaking in Bangla is khaet. Their second language is French, the language of love. When they get mad, they say “fuck you.”
Bangla medium: They don’t know any English. At all. All they know is that the language English is Satan’s right hand man and has come to haunt them from hell. Therefore they try to stay away from it as much as possible. When they get mad, they say “Goa diye bash dhukaye dibo koilam bainchod.” And no, they are not talking about the place in India.
Of course, some people sometimes manage to pass of as the other kind but it never ends well. The following happened to a friend of mine-
English medium girl: “Dude, are you from Sexorgy Masterrace School?”
Friend: “No. I’m from Bangla medium.”
Girl stares at friend with a look of utter disbelief and horror.
Listen to me and listen well. Now that you know exactly what the other kind is like, stay away from them. If you ever come across one, make sure you have your backup ready. You never know when to fight. The best thing to do is to stay away from each other. Oil and water never mix. Current ICC and fair cricket never mix. Remember that and remember well. Of course, if you go astray and end up in that well-reputed gay engineering university near Dhaka, you will have bigger things to worry about, eg. biting your classmates’ pasa.
NB: In case you’re too stupid to understand the title, the contents of this work is purely sarcasm.