6 Things You Hear Once You Go to Bidesh

“Hello Ma? Ami Bideshe pouchaye onek borolok hoye gesi. Porshudin taka pathabo tokhon tumi chole esho. Doa koro ma jeno aro onek boro hote pari, Ma.”

This is not an accurate representation of reality. You don’t actually become rich the second you set your foot on foreign soil. Your homies back home will want to tell you that it’s El Dorado all over, teka, teka, teka everywhere. No.

After all the hassles of packing and unpacking and moving your ass a few thousand miles in between, you log onto social networking sites. What else can you do? You miss fuchka.
You find out everybody wants to see how you’re doing in Bidesh. You are an enthusiastic member of the café society, so you take a photo of yourself flashing (your teeth) in front of your house and share it as soon as possible. Then the comments start flooding in.

1. Tumi toh shundor hoye geso.

“Bideshi Bideshi lagtese.”
“Bidesh has done you wonders.”
“You look like Angelina Jolie.”

Wow thank you so much! I used to look like one of the extras that stood there being Opu Biswas’s friend while she flirted with Shakib Khan, and now suddenly living in the same continent as Angelina Jolie for a week has made me look like her. Get me a Brad Pitt, please and thank you.

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Ami ekhon regular daat brush kori. Agey kortam na.

2. Mota hoye gesish.

You know something is wrong when your aunt, whose life’s sole mission was to make you fat, who declared you did not eat enough after you finished your third helping, sees you on skype and makes this comment. Especially when you just found out you lost 5 kgs of weight.

Also, “Dost shaat diney tui ki khaisos? Etoh mota hoisos ken?”
Hery Potar amare megik korse dost. Ei karone fuila gesi.

Because bidesh is magical.

3. Phorsha hoye geso.

Bideshi hawa has made me fair and lovely. I am offended by this. How dare people call me phorsha? I am not phorsha. I like my skin color. I like being brown dammit.

I have an idea for a research. A group of people with the same skin tone should be picked, half of them should be made to live in North America/Europe and the rest in Bangladesh. Additionally, the ones living in Bangladesh should be made to use Fair & Lovely. After two weeks, use a ‘fairness meter’ on them and check who got fairer. I am sure the newly-turned-bideshis will win by a large margin. We don’t even need two weeks. Two days will do it.

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And the girl wasn’t even that dark in the first place. Konta better?

4. Deshe ar ashba na? Permanently chole geso?

Yes. I am coming home right away to get married to a sparkly man and spawn little mollahs with him. Bideshe toh shudhu beraite ashchilam.

I am eighteen. I don’t let my five year old niece have my Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy pillows because I can’t sleep without them. When I only have 20 bucks I can’t decide if I want fuchka more or chotpoti. Of course I know what I am going to do with my life and where I want to live. Of course.

I want to get married to this dream sparkly guy I speak of, live on an island in the Bay of Bengal with lots of furniture that my parents will buy as dowry. I just know it in my bones.

Yes, deshe ashbo.

5. Amio bideshe porashona korte chai. Ki korbo?

Now I don’t usually mind these people. I want all my friends to get here. I am ready to help people with filling their applications and suggesting study material. You have people who are actually serious about it and know some of their stuff. Then you have people who ask, “TOEFL? Eita ki? SAT? Eita ki?”
If you need to ask these questions, you should probably stay where you are.

“University te apply korte ki ki lage? Kobe dibo? Kibhabe submit korbo? All requirements ki application er shathe diye diso naki ogular alada deadline ase?”
Yes I am a walking encyclopedia who knows everything about every university there is. My heart goes out these people. I wish they all knew how to use a computer and the internet, throw in a scanner in the mix as well.

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Maybe I should try opening a coaching center?
“Fecesbooking korte korte compiutar usage shikkha.” -Putting up posters like one of them S@ifur’s, teaching people to be competent in technology, shaking things up a bit.

6. Shada chele pochondo hoise? Prem koro?

Yes. Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret, but I am Leonardo DiCaprio’s date to the Oscars.
-Oh no! Ihudi’r pola? Hai hai re ekhon ki hobe re meyeta gese  ekdom chih chih chih

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