I have never been an avid, emotional, typical Bangladeshi cricket fan. Before you start calling me names and say that I lack patriotism and express a desire to insert certain inanimate objects into my asshole, let me clarify that I have never been an avid fan of any organized sport. I am one of those people who have a specific team they support for every tournament but always ends up not following the team’s progress because they’re just…lazy.
However, World Cups are such tournaments that make even the most apathetic of people lose their shit. I am no exception; I cried myself to sleep after Bangladesh’s match against India, or maybe the Indian Cricket Council (see I am so distressed that I don’t mind that overused joke).
But, as one must do in this damned age, I refreshed my Facebook homepage about 193 times today and I came across an array of…’colourful’ statuses and memes.
Here’s a reaction video which is not a video, because I don’t own a DSLR camera (that’s just code for “I’m single”. Just saying. Never mind).
1. The Avro Celebrity
These unfathomably intellectual people are 2kewl4Englishletters, they turn the most trivial things into guilt trips concerning our liberation war, they have an opinion on everything and they are more knowledgeable about cricket than Ekta Kapoor is about Kkusum’s 69 weddings.
“বাংলার আকাশে আজ দুর্যোগের ঘনঘটা। এমন ধৃষ্টতা, এমন অসততা এর শিকার হবার জন্য কি আমরা একাত্তর এ রক্ত দিয়ে দেশ স্বাধীন করেছিলাম? এমন আম্পায়ারই কি চেয়েছিল জাতি? বাট আই মাস্ট সে দ্যাট বাংলাদেশ প্লেড এক্সেপশনালি ওয়েল টুডে। #রাইজঅব্দ্যটাইগার্স #ধরেদিবানি”
Excuse my ignorance; I am not as good at speaking Avro as TehHypocriteLord.
2. The Clueless Bimbo
You know that girl in your class who puts on layers of make-up and posts a thousand selfies every day with many, many useless hashtags? Well, even she watches cricket and you know you can never be as dedicated a fan as she is.
Someone posted this after the match against New Zealand, I shit you not.
“OMG NOOOO! Shakib keno last over e nije ball korlo? #such_an_attention_seekar #lost_all_hopes #bangladeshi_people_is_disappointed”
Stereotypes must not be broken.
3. The Swearer
I have learnt more Bangla swear words in the last few days than I have from Dhaka city bus conductors in 18 years. I can now proudly say that I know swear words in Bangla, English, Chittagongian, Sylheti and Simlish.
Oh here’s the sample status:
“KIM KARDASHIAN ER POLA UMPIRE SHALA INDIA ER PEANUTS CHUSHE BOSHE THAK TODER EKEKTAR KOLAR KHOSHA CHHILE DIMU AMI. AMASHOY ER HAGU TE DOOB DE SHALA RA. YOU THINK MY LANGUAGE IS OBSCENE? GO SUCK A MONKEY’S DICK I DON’T CARE.”
4. The Sickeningly Optimistic
These people with their love for exclamation points annoy me to death. Their optimism is so much of a disease that you might confuse them with the Clueless Bimbo category any day.
“Still 5 overs left!!! You never know how this game might turn out!!!!!11!! Have faith, people!!!1”…says when the batting side need 190 runs to win.
5. The Irrelevant and Naive aka the Hipsters
Either these people actually have no idea what cricket is, or they choose to be that way. Yes, they do exist; and I do not understand why they even feel the need to post irrelevant updates while the rest of the world is hyped about cricket.
“Bhaijan ami cricket khela bujhi na. Jaa shunlam India cheating koreche. Ki ar korar. Ami ekti notun Japanese cartoon dekhechi. Shekhane Ikimiki namok bekti Jhikimiki namok bekti ke ekti samurai sword diye aghaat koreche…”
I never liked Japanese cartoons anyway.
6. The Meme Makers
Go to www.facebook.com/Rantages. Please like, comment and share our great content! If you haven’t gotten hyped with Rubel, you haven’t lived. (Never mind the Meena memes.)
There are other pages too, if you want humour stolen off of Rantages. Might as well get it from the original source, that’s all I’m sayin’. Peace.
7. The Enthusiasts
These people actually know their stuff. They talk sensibly and logically about half-a-millimetre wickets and the reason why ICC is making sure India stays in the competition. Hence, they are everybody’s target. Bangladeshi cricket fans do not think logically, they are way too emotional. Hence The Enthusiasts are always getting put down by people of the 3rd category.
8. The Racists
These people are such extremists that when they’re done hating on India for being a Hindu nation, they do shit like this:
If you’re looking for salvation in the secular age, you’ve found your saviour.
9. The Hashtaggers
If there is one thing Bangladeshi people love more than they love swear words, it is hashtags. I believe that as a nation, our strength lies in the ability to hashtag the shit out of everything.
“I am #Omuk from #Dhaka, #Bangladesh and I ask for #justice for the #Bangladeshi cricket team. #shame_on_ICC #shame_on_India #raise_your_voice_people #penalty_of_the_mistakes_of_umpires
People who are reading my status are kindly requested to put a status with #hashtag I have written above. #Let’s_stand_together.”
I often feel like arranging an open online course on the proper use of hashtags for these people, but I never get around to it. Besides, if they knew the right way, I wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Bangladesh has never made it this far into the Cricket World Cup ever before. We might not have the strongest, most technical team but we have the support of an entire nation. These temperamental, illogical fans are what keep our team going. These people, as ignorant and disgusting as they might get at times, and as much as they may hate on each other, are united under one goal: we want to see our team win.
Here’s to better days ahead. Here’s to the start of something new, here’s to Bangladesh holding the World Cup someday, sooner or later.
I would hope for the quality of Bangladeshi Facebook users to improve, but god knows there’s a better chance of us winning the cup in 2019 than that, so let’s just end this here.