Rantage 103: Life of a Child

A rantage brought to you by TehGoatLaydeh and TehGoatLord

First God, then Parents?

When a baby is born, what’s the first thought that strikes the parents? The name? Hah, if that was true, no one would have been named as “Gaylord” or even “Focker”- Check FaceBook for confirmation. After-all, who believes a 17-year-old class prefect these days anyway?
If only they would have thought THAT instead of what to make of the baby when he or she is old enough. Sigh. Continue reading

Sage Advice: 2nd Issue

We’re back with the second issue of the Rantages advice column, ‘Sage Advice’! Our panel of experts has read your problems and pains and are ready to put you at ease with their wisdom and good humour! Just sit back, relax, and place yourselves in the capable hands of:

  • Hafizur al-Khwarizmi; a lecturer of Literature at the University of Baghdad and a noted writer of romantic verse.
  • Einnar Hrolfsson; a berserker captain sworn to King Ragnar the Brooding, and collector of drinking skulls.
  • Zu Fang: a hermit living near a waterfall in the Henan Province of China.

“My sister has a habit of chasing cars and small animals and goes nuts at the sight of fire hydrants. What do I do?”

-Dog-tired

Einnar Hrolfsson writes:

“What do you do, you ask Einnar? You sit upon your soft and pallid bottom, bemoaning your fate and pestering your betters for counsel! What you should be doing, – what a warrior in whose guts roars a fire fit to roast Sutr himself would be doing – is seeing this as the godly gift that it truly is! Einnar is certain that your sister – long may she bear mighty pups – has been bitten by a wild wolf, and is now what the Skalds call a werhrolf! When her time comes this month, as shall happen as surely as the moon waxes full, you must approach her with an oaken spear, a shield of ash, and a wand of rowan. With the first you must hold her at bay; with the second you must drive aside her claws; and the wand shall bind and tame her beast-spirit to your whim!

Once bound, she shall forever be by your side, and none shall be able to stop you when go a-warring! Doughty warriors will drink to your health in golden halls, and the sagas shall tell the tale of Dog-tired Wolf’s Kin!”


“lol…really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __Tallmingle.com___, do you hear this before?”

-tall-enrique12

Hafizur al-Khwarizmi writes:

“Most Gentle and Poetic tall-enrique12,

“Your admiration for the fairer sex is truly an exemplary quality, and one that is sadly becoming increasingly rare and precious in today’s mundane-minded world. The fact you have a particular and personal passion for the taller flowers of grace also gladdens my heart and I raise up my cup to quaff a toast in praise of the nicety and excellence of your taste. For indeed there is much to be said and sung about the charms of such damsels, who are as delicate fluted spires, curving gracefully to lofty and intoxicating heights. I myself have written many verses on this subject.

“But I must chastise you, my beloved friend, on certain indelicacies in your letter. It distresses me to hear you speak of ‘players’ who are ‘hooking’ up with women. Romance is not a game where a man must aim to ‘score’ with as many ladies as he can, in order to then feel more of a man in the eyes of his peers and loved ones. Rather, romance is a journey for a man and a woman, often perilous and filled with grief, but on the course of which lovers will arrive at certain moments of great beauty which are as perfect, perfumed gardens, where they may draw strength and unimaginable delight from their mutual passion and fervour. Remember that this journey must be undertaken together, as equals, and with perfect respect and affection for one another.

I would advise you, my brother tall-enrique12 to abandon your empty liaisons and fleeting attachments, for they are as mere morsels of bread next to a bounteous and excellent marital feast. Seek for yourself a tall damsel in whose arms and pleasure you may spend the rest of your days, and marry her forthwith. Love and honour are what shall last when your beard grows white and your vision dims.”


‎”O amay bhalo bashe niiii… oshim e bhalobasha o je bojhe niiii…”

-Heartbreak Lovestealer

Zu Fang writes:

“Heartbreak Lovestealer

“The Red Fox laughs as the Foolish Man journeys forth into the gale without having embraced his brother: The Chrysanthemum blooms as the Kingfisher swoops down upon a bubble in the pond; silver scales thrash in the struggle for life.

“Parables for the wise man to ponder upon.”

That’s all for this week! If you want advice from our superb sages, don’t be shy! Just leave a reply below describing your problem and they’ll get back to you in a week or two. (Don’t worry: we operate on a policy of strict confidentiality.)

 Rantages also published with this one:

Sage Advice: 2nd Issue by PangashKhan
Comicage 4: Batman in Dhaka by TehPeanutCruncher
Rantage 103: Life of a Child by TehGoatLaydeh and TehGoatLord 
Rantage 104: Girls Please Stop by TehGoatLord and TehAlbinoBlackSheep 

 

 

Rantage 102: Most Screwed Up Things About Bangladesh [Part 1]

Editor’s Note: This is a series of 5. Just letting you know. Aweshumnesh thinks people will actually look forward to his next 4 Rantages. Pft, as if.

Marriage Proposals in the modern world :

The two stared into each other’s eyes and the wind rustled their hair. The ground beneath seemed to give in and they felt they were hovering in mid air. There might not have been anyone there but to them , it felt as if an orchestra of over a thousand violins was playing in the background. As the sun began to set in the distance, signaling the start of twilight, the man got down on his knees. With slow action of hands, he drew out a small heart shaped box from his pockets. The girl didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know what to think. Her world had become blurry.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. And I realized it’s now or never. “

“Oh my…I…”

The boy slowly placed on finger on her lips. “You don’t need to say anything”. He took out a ring, not the most expensive of rings but attractive nonetheless, and slowly slid it into her finger. He got up and embraced her, feeling like the luckiest man on Earth.

Marriage Proposals in Bangladesh:

“See that guy over there?”, the woman said to her daughter.

“Uh huh”, the girl replied. Her face been smothered in make up.

“What do you think?”

“He looks like a science experiment gone bad”

“Yep. And he’s going to be your husband. Isn’t that adorable?, the old woman finished.

The man sitting at the other corner of the room was smiling sheepishly while carefully eying the girl, making sure to concentrate on her chest. If the girl didn’t know better, he was beginning to drool. The romance factor of the whole situation was out of this world.

Err, yeah. At this point, given your brain is not the size of Justin Bieber’s penis, you know what this about. Right now, I am viciously pissed at certain elements of Bangladeshi society. And I going to be very, very angry over the course of the next half an hour or so as I write this article.
I bring to you, as part of a series, the 5 most screwed up things about Bangladeshi Society.

#5 Unisexual Education

Now this isn’t entirely an Only Bangladesh phenomenon. But no other country in the world can enforce like we do. Take a look around and you will that MOST government educational institutions in the country are either for boys or girls. Not Co-Ed. Cause you know how Co-Ed is a ramification of the devil’s soul.
The fact that these institutions are owned and run by the government also enforce a them as a state of policy of sorts, does it not?
Being exceptionally unfortunate and Godforsaken, my parents had taken upon themselves to shift me to a boy’s school at the start of the 8th grade. While they said it was for a better future, I knew it vengeance on their part. Vengeance for all the sleepless nights and all the money I had cost them
On my first day, a certain Kashfi Ahmedullah to me.

KM : Hey bro, what is up?

Me: um…hi?

KM: Hey bro, did you not come from Shobujherald?

Me: Yes, yes I did.

KM : Did you do sax with girls?

Me : No, I did it with guys (sarcasm, yes)

KM : Oh, just like we do here. Good good.

He then pats me on the back, all the while keeping his eyes focused on my crotch.
In normal schools, the students relieve their hormonal inhibitions by flirting, kissing and making our with the opposite gender.
Since all those avenues are closed in Unisexual schools, the guys had to create some other new arts. Behold :

The Pungi:

The pungi, basically, is pinching nipples. Of course, I would could spend hours doing that with a girl but The Pungi is strictly male to male. What’s a better way to spend your time then by pinching the nipples of your male classmates? And trust me, it happens.

Erection Lifting:

You place a book atop your erect penis (don’t worry, pants are still on). The objective is to use your erection to lift the said book. One who manages the greatest lift, takes the win. Everyone then stares in awe at this sodomizing machine of utter destruction.
I keep asking myself what people are trying to achieve by setting these schools up. Alienating the sexes?
Since the guys from unisexual schools are generally deprived from contact with NORMAL girls , they have no option but to resort to Facebook.Let me make myself clear, these are the guys who have managed to salvage a level of heterosexuality. The rest are still busy with Pungis and Erection Liftings.

Dude1: Dost, ekta maiya amare add marse.

Dude2: Erpor ki hoise ?

Dude1: Ami or wall e likhsi , “WAZZUPzzzzZZZZzzzz lollzZZZzzz thanks 4 da add. Wanna mek frndship?” o like dise. Joss na?

Dude2 : *Clearly jealous* haw. Tui to beta purai playboy.

Dude1: Arreh kois nah. 5 ta friend request pathaile, 1-2 add koira falai. Joss na?

Dude2: Hawre. Tui to hala ekkare Romeo.

Dude1: arreh lojja dis na dost.

Being a part of Unisexual education has had its bearings on me. I am beginning to get particularly attracted by the smell of sweaty male armpits. What? Stop looking at me funny.

Before I sign off, I would like to share a real life incident that took place during Biology class. The bio teacher , asks the class if they had seen the Twilight movies. Pretty much the whole class screams “Yes” in unison, the pride apparent in their tones.
The he asks who had heard of Coldplay. 2 out of 60 hands go up.

Toodles.
I mean, doodles.
Or dood.
Or dudes.
Especially, dudes.

 

Rantages published along with this:

Rantage 100: Rantage 100: Rantages in a Rantage
Rantage 101: The Influence of Media
Rantage 102: Most Screwed Up Things About Bangladesh [Part 1]
Comicage 3: Ugly Girls 

Rantage 101: The Influence of Media

The Influence Of Media

There’s no denying that the world is revolving around media these days and one of the prime reasons of it excelling so much is probably the Television. We see what they want us to see, they tell us what they want to and we believe it. Ranging from scandals to kickass hartal pawnage. In fact, here at rantages, you read what we want you to read, we write what we want to write and I’m writing about it and you are now confused.

 

The Portrayals of Religions and Races:

It’s really a shame that some countries get looked down upon just because of their religion. We are living in the 21st century now, not the goddamn middle ages. About history repeating itself, it feels like the dark ages with the witch hunt all over again. Only now, it’s about establishing Democracy. It’s not really the fault of the people here, its the media that’s more responsible. You see:

Muslims mean Bombers
Indian means IT Technician

 

Blacks being eerrr....whatever they are
Blondes are dumb

 

Women outside the kitchen

These are all the manifestations of the media. If they didn’t portray everyone like this maybe it wouldn’t have happened, who knows? Anyways, one of my friend studying abroad, trolled an idiot and that trolling started like-

A foreign guy just heard my friend was a Muslim and he got a little afraid, so my friend found it amusing and played along, saying

“I am a Muslim, and I am studying chemistry. Lemme ask you a question, why would a Muslim study chemistry? TO MAKE BOMBS OF COURSE! When I grow older I wanna become a terrorist!”

This scared the shit outta that stereotype idiot. My friend still enjoys being a pseudo-terrorist.

The MTV:

Gone are the days when MTV used to be kickass, they played kickass songs with the likes of Queen, Guns n Roses, etc. Since the Indian MTV took over and got more mainstream. They started doing what now? Reality shows like “Splitsvilla?” wtf is that about anyways? A guy dating a guy and a girl trying to date a guy who’s dating a guy?

Scandals:

Yeah we tend to call a person a voyeur, stalker, etc whenever they pry into our private lives but when it comes to celebrities it’s a completely different matter. They call it “Investigative Journalism”. Thanks to the Internet 24/7, scandals are pretty much a form of entertainment. Heck, the likes of Paris Hilton and the Kardashians got worldwide attention thanks to their scandals.

As for us Bangladeshis we got our very own scandals as well, the latest being the “Persona” scandal. Kadukadu requests anyone who is in possession of that particular scandal video please send me a torrent link to the file.

The Movies/Serials:

Hindi Movie/Serials:

There are a lot of rantages[TehHeavyMetalAlchemist's] about this particular subject already but I’ll have to mention this. Basically, the Hollywood guys comes out with a kickass idea and then the Bollywood dudes copy them (or atleast tries to) . As a result it becomes a disaster. And since Dhalliwood (our beloved Bangladesh Movie Industry) in return tries to copy them… Rest assured, it isn’t really a good idea watching them.

Imagine someday Hindi Serials Copying “How I Met Your Mother”, The title being “मैं कैसे अपनी माँ से मुलाकात की” or “Mai Kaise Aapni Maa Se Mulakat Ki” (google translate) and our wise ass Bengali Dhaliwood Dudes copies it into “আমি কিভাবে আপনার মা পূরণ করা” in English “Ami kibhabe Apnar Ma Puron Kora” (google translate). Right that brings us to Bengali Serials now.

Bengali Serials:

I honestly don’t watch them, so I can’t really comment much on them, but according to people who watch it from time to time, they say that Bengali directors are trying to copy more and more Hindi serials. Which can’t be a good thing. I remember when I was very young, they aired this soap opera where they composed a song which was beyond epic proportions. The name of the Legendary song is “Chika Maro” Google Translate: [KillRat]. The song was so epic that Kirk Hammet requested to be part of the song and landed a role in dancing to the grooves of that particular song.

Here’s the legendary song if you haven’t seen it yet:

Youtube:

Youtube gave us kickass things like Badur Magi, Annoying Orange, Andy Mckee and so much more. It also gave birth to a beaver named Bieber and an abnormal blonde by the name of Rebecca Black. These days you type good music you’ll get the 2 aforementioned above. I don’t even wanna mention the pages anymore talking about these two. You see I am giving them publicity just by talking about them here. Yeah media is a bitch. So I rather talk about Black Sabbath, Ritchie Blackmore, King Crimson and co. and spread their publicity too. Go search for Black Sabbath and listen to their music. Anyways thanks to youtube a lot of awesome things came into life but as well gave birth to fags of epic proportions.

Role Models:

Ever wondered why these days |<3//|_ boiz usually turn out to be a lil bit umm weird? Well don’t laugh at them, blame their role models, the picture below describes the situation perfectly.

 

we had more wars back then.

You see if your  |<3//|_ boiz are only exposed to a cross dressing gender confused woman, a gayber and Mainstream Goth Emo, what the hell are you supposed to do? Plus kids these days are pretty much emotional and all. They break up over a huge fight about the boyfriend liking a profile picture of a hot chick not being his girlfriend and so not. Resulting into that guy being emo and talking cool emo shits, which I still can’t fathom. Some dudes just think talking plain emo lands them a chick.

Break up Emo Guy: its all over man, um finished, um burned inside, she left me dude ( তার সর্বাঙ্গে মানুষ, উম সমাপ্ত, উম ভিতরে পোড়া, তিনি বাম শহরবাসী আমাকে) [google translate] Cool Emo boy trying to land chick: I will open my heart to you, just say yes (আমার হার্টের আপনি খুলতে হবে, শুধু হ্যাঁ বলে)

Insecurity Complex:

You look yourself into the mirror and say “WAAAAH I AM UGLY/FAT/SKINNY/ETC.” Well really, does it matter? Ok great it matters, but it really isn’t a big deal, but the media really needed to take a dig here too. Which ranges from Kaala hoile job paiba na, Fair and Lovely Makho, Job paiya jaiba adds to PEPSI DIET (FOR FATTIES). Man I really don’t wanna try out fair and handsome, plus to add more reason to it, what if….it makes me sparkle? Like that twifag guy? Yes ladies and Gentlemen and Fags, meet your new Fair and Lovely Brand Ambassador, Yours Truly

Few days ago I was traveling by bus on my way to Dhanmondi. While I was crossing the Mohakhali flyover, I couldn’t help but notice a huge billboard saying “Apni ki mota? Apni ki kaalo? Joldi amader herbal medicine ta bebohar korun”

Man, these stuff make me wonder, is the media ripping us off or am I just a dumbfuck thinking about these? No wonder chicks go for those anorexic diets, have plastic operations and guys get a lil fag like and what not. Every year the world amazes me more and more.

 

KADUKADU

 

Rantages published along with this:

Rantage 100: Rantage 100: Rantages in a Rantage
Rantage 101: The Influence of Media
Rantage 102: Most Screwed Up Things About Bangladesh [Part 1]
Comicage 3: Ugly Girls 

Rantage 100: Rantages in a Rantage

We thought about writing a rantage about rantages but then Aweshumnesh came up with a better idea:

From the very first Rantage by TehGoatLord- Twifail

Twilight starts off with a girl who doesn’t know wtf she’s doing. She happens to roll dice in her head, make coincidental decisions and those turn out to be a 32-year-old Mormon’s wet dreams.

Err…Okay, so this chick who I assume is hawt just for the sake of reading the book, goes to her dad in a town named FORKS… Stick it up your arse. Anyhow, so she does everything an indecisive fail emo girl does, and starts school. Well, guess what bitch, there are more losers in the world worse than you. Then she see’s the Almighty, beautiful, freakishly pale and apparently handsome, tall and awesome,  Edward Cullen.

Emofail: The Emo Convo

Emo 1: ZOMFG my mums such a bitch she took my cell away for talking
Emo 2: Omg like go cut yourself
Emo 1: Ok I will brb in 3 hours
Emo 2: K, use the knife I gave you for your birthday.
Emo 1: K ily
Emo 2: Ily2

Jonasfail: The Purity Ring

The cult of the Jonas Brothers begun.

The Ring

This is a horrific invention by the Jonas Brothers. Wearing a ring and vowing while that ring is theirs, they will not involve in any sexual intercourse [Although fapping isn't included]. This started a new revolution with… erm… Girls wearing rings and doing that.  And thus, the Pope’s major plan was unfolding into a brilliant scheme.
Our [Anti Jonas Crew] only weapon was:

B.L.O.W J.O.B [Big Long Ordinary Weapon Jutted with Oversized Ball-bearings]

Feministfail: The Origin of Feminism

Well, Jack (Not to be confused with the dude who was the first man) was the first REAL man in America and all, he actually broke the so called propaganda of Ladies First Rule (Explained Later). Later on, he was so sick and tired of doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, that he wanted a downright slave who worked all day in the kitchen, makes sandwiches and compliments everything he does. He found a black slave.
After ages of oppression, depression and downright homosexual abuse by Jack.  K’wu’k’wu’n’ig’g’er The Black Slave decided he needed freedom. So he moved to Brooklyn and started having sex with pigs, birds and gorillas.

Down came Jill from atop the hill called England. After seeing her for the first time Jack claimed her and made her his permanent replacement for K’wu’k’wu’n’ig’g’er The Black Slave. Thus started the era of feminism. The real Female Duties.

Epicfails of Society by TheMorbidTeddy:

I mean, why would someone actually state out their constructive inabilities in public? This is the reason our country is going down the shitter these days. No one seems to even bother about our political situation, nor possessing any sort of information regarding international affairs. All they are busy about are about how best to approach a girl, what new component should they add to their cars, or trying to prove themselves man enough by picking up fights with other idiots of their same categories (such traits are widely known as “GENJAMS” in our society)

ValentinesdayPMS by TehZebraLord:

You’ll see couples holding hands, walking around all cute-like, buying each other shitloads of cheap tacky gifts. You’ll see boyfriends not checking out other girls, and vice versa. You’ll see guys make an effort, for once, to take their girls out to somewhere that isn’t McDonalds or Burger King. They’ll probably dress in their least stained shirt, and trousers that require the least amount of ironing. They’ll probably use up the last of their two year old deodorant, to hide the unmaskable smell of cigarettes and cheap booze. If the girl’s lucky, they might go somewhere far enough to have to take public transport. Yes that’s right, nothing puts you in the mood more than train stations that smell of piss, where you’re cramped between people who smell of piss.
Hey, girls. At least your boyfriend doesn’t smell of piss. Tonight, anyways.

Excusage by the original staff:

TehNoop says:

D’oh.

See, I have this thing where I can only write in daylight

Because then I can extract all the rich creativity from the sun.

And I need to be outdoors

And I need the sun.

My Creative Designer and writer needs the sun to write. I don’t know, but I kinda get the feeling that I’d be better off growing some cannabis. At least if I gave that some sun, I’d get stoned.

Footballfadfail by Jhakkas: The Clueless

The following is a true story. I used to study in Lalmatia for Math B. One day the teacher was late so I was just looking around for potentially flirt-able options with specific chicks. Out of nowhere I spotted a guy with an original Liverpool shirt with Gerrard on the back. It was an away shirt that LFC has JUST released and boy I was impressed that he got hold of that jersey so soon. So I approached him calmly and the conversation went something like this –

“Nice jersey man, big Liverpool fan eh?”

“What’s Liverpool?”

I went back to my Math B book.

How I Met Your Metalhead by TehGoatLord:

This is a Rantage based on a true story when Harry Met Sal- I mean, when TehGoatLord met TheMorbidTeddy

“OOOOOOOHKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, BRO DO YOU LIKE INDIE METAL?”

And then he raised his clenched fist. After shitting my pants ever so slightly, I told myself that if I don’t run now, I would become this madman’s sex slave. But then he raised his pinky finger, and then his index finger. I thought he was trying to tell me in his metal sign language that he wanted to insert his index finger in my vagina and the pinky in my anus. Alarmed, at this and TehNoop’s relentless assent, I did the same.

Chaa Dokaan by TehNoop and TehGoatLord: ABCD

A chayer dokaan sports all sorts of people. It might seem unhygenic that everyone drinks out of one cup and that hundreds of people drinking from the same cup might spread AIDS. But let me tell you one thing which stops us from acquiring diseases from tea cups. It is the Awesome Brotherhood of Cha Dokaans (ABCD).
If you have noticed, a lot of people drink from cha dokaans everyday and nothing happens but that one (Scholastican) friend of yours contracted some weird form of water-borne disease.

Why?

He was squeamish. He doubted the cleansing powers of the Awesome Brotherhood of Cha Dokaans.

Genzamfail by TehGoatLord: History of Genzams

Many people say this is something new and something of a fad nowadays. Genzamz, that is.
I beg to differ.

The root of Genzamz go waaaay back in history. Back in 13th Century BC in Ancient Troy-era. Menelaus was happily married to Helen and shiz. Then Paris, being the faggot douche in France he is. Had sex with Helen. In a Party(Connection?) then stole her back into Troy.
Menopause got pissed and called up his buddy Odysseseus and told him about everything that happened. So Odysseseus replies
“y0, br0, lIsEn, mA hOrSe iZ iN dA sTaBlEz gEtiN mOdiFieDzz. wE gEnJamZ aFtA dAt, k?!i!?!?”

Menelaus happily agrees and after a few days. Odysseseus gets his outrageous car modified. Which looks like this

I know. Nothing in todays standards can match something that… Creative. So Odysseus gets his mOdIfIeD hOrSe in Troy and fucks the shit out of Paris and sends him back to Mr. Hilton and gets Helen back.

I hope you see the similarities

RomancePMS by TehZebraLord: Another Dig at TGL

If you’re reading this, chances are you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you spend more time wanking in a dark corner of your room than you do outside, and you spend an unnatural amount of time on the internet. TehGoatLord has an excuse for all of the above. He calls it ‘research for Rantages’.

And my name is Kurt Cobain.

StoryofaDatingWebsite by Aweshumnesh: What to Be

1> NEVER talk about sex

Guy: Hi. Do you like ponies?

Girl: err, sure. Um, you wanna take me to bed?

Guy: um, do you like ponies?

Girl: Yes I do. Enough of that, can we really make me feel like a woman tonight?

Guy: Do you like ponies?

2> Be mysterious

Again, I got thinking.

Girl: Hey um , you won’t ever leave me, will you?

Guy: I dunno, what if I do?

Girl: But you love me, right?

Girl: I do. Or do i?

Girl: Asshole.

Yes, I was thinking about that too.

 

3> Be sensitive

Girl: Hey, you look down. Anything wrong?

Guy: Are you saying I’m ugly?

Girl: What? No. Where’d you get that from?

Guy: Are you saying I assume extreme things from a perfectly innocent question?

Girl: Uh, what?

Guy: you’re so hurtful!

Streets of BD by TehGoatLord: Muggings

Recently, I got mugged. Since I lost everything, including my dignity. I am forced to mention it in any way possible.

So I was on a rickshaw, then suddenly two guys pop outta nowhere and then start to threaten me saying “don’t do anything stupid or we’ll shoot you!”

I didn’t have the balls to find out how they’d shoot without a gun. I’d rather return home with a clean face.

Now begins the true demonstration of our country’s economy. The guy asked for my wallet and my phone. I produced a Chinese phone with a broken display and 40 bucks(Almost 1USD) in my wallet which resulted in a very sad insult “don’t your mum and dad pay you?”.

What’s sadder is, I’m 40 bucks short and without a phone currently.

I’m beginning to think that semen on my face wasn’t such a bad idea.

What if Hindi TV Serials Were Real by TehHeavyMetalAlchemist: Meet your new aunt.

She’s more evil than the evillest thing you could possibly imagine. The family however is completely oblivious to her schemes. The few who realize something’s not right don’t care enough to do something about it, and often they have schemes of their own. You probably have an uncle you never knew about who is secretly helping the evil aunt.
After that, you are insignificant, because this other aunt who you never noticed before either has suddenly turned to super aunt. She comes in with her very own theme song that goes, ‘HMMMMM MUH HMMMMMMMM MUH HMMMMM…”. When the two aunts are in the same room, sparks fly (quite literally).

I wasn’t exaggerating. Often, with the two ladies in the same room, lighting crashes, thunder roars.

Even inside the house.

Photographage by TehAlbinoBlackSheep and TehDogFather: mUvZ dOnE

There are lots and lots of photographers. But there’s one exclusive faggot whom we all know. All the albums of his page are horrible, more horrible than an accidental wet dream about your Maths teacher back in your school days.

Now you are probably dying to know who I’m talking about. Since the guy is a “Genzamist”, and the points highlighted on Genzamfail don’t exactly seem pleasant, I shall not reveal his name here on the article, or he might beat me up, shove his DSLR up my ass and give me ninja blowjob when I’m out of my senses by getting beaten up (Yes, they are gay people).

Apart from that, I’m pretty sure he’ll be butthurt enough to charge a lawsuit against this website, and it barely started out. You see, recently, we’re already facing a problem against one of our readers who wanted to sue us for writing stuff that isn’t even serious in the first place. But, more on that in a different Rantage.

But too bad, even I’m dying to mention his name here. We can only do thing – let’s name him by something that is very close to his name and his deeds. Erm…
“mUvZ dOnE”  Trust me that is so close, I’m already afraid.

BDMetalHeads by TehJhontu: Pantera

Farhan: Oi dost you listen to metal? I didn’t know that! What kind of metal?
Me: A bit of tech death, and whatnot.
Farhan: Me too! I love tech death!
Me: Really? Which band?
Farhan: Panteria and other stuff
Me: …you mean Pantera?
Farhan: Yeah oito Dimbag ala band ta

Pantera instantly goes from Groove/Thrash to Technical Death Metal, and Mr. Darrell resurrects to become a bag of eggs.

EpicHipHopJaati by TheMorbidTeddy: The Rap

Ai kalo chikon lomba nunu Ajib ekta cheese
Kaure khojar Tym dai nah cuz m made up One Piece
Lower pants, full shirt, Kane tinta futa loiya railgari chari
Tora office korte paros nah, ami korte pari
Nunu bair hoy bondhur mukh diya,
Indonesian rap bair hoi Underwear er futa diya
Hip Hop Jinishta ki, Mother Teresa tomare bujhamu ki dia
Ami eka Onek Kalo rapper among lots of kalo fellows
Nijere loiya hadudu khelos abar amare loiya chowachowi
Ki koss hala amar loge beton loitasos
Tore diya office hoibona, aida amare koitasos
Aare ami board roomey namle tore boitey parbi nah
Karon ami presentation dile tora beicha jaibiga
Haate komore kono kolom nai, amare bhalo bhabe dek
Togore uraibar laiga Chartasi LAPTOP ER BAG
Erry body keep countin, Hoise Kalo Underwear eibar goon
Amar Presentation guli huina Sir der go bair hoi Teka, Yeah…………………..

AI MAMA AI, TIBBOT SOAP ER PRESENTATION CHOLBO NAKI!?…..

Lyrics derived from a rap which goes something like this:

“I don’t get laid, my name is a synonym for black underwear, if you are within a 3-feet radius of me, my body odour will repulse you to the point where you will have to leave, I have no weapons so I will defeat you with my rap, people love my rhymes so much they tell me to stop. Yeah……….”

Relationshipage by TehAlbinoBlackSheep and TehGoatLord: The Picture

Daterapage by TehGoatLord and TehDogFather:

A lot of people, especially in Bangladeshlook for a lady’s number. I don’t know what they say when they call a woman. But let’s take a wild guess.

Girl: Hello?

Guy: I want to make love to you [Google Translate: এইডা কন জাইগা?]

Batman’s Bengali Adventure by Mr. PurpleCat: Batman in Gulshan Avenue

Within seconds, the man known as Bruce Wayne was no more and his place was taken by the scourge of criminals everywhere: Batman. As the iconic theme music began playing, Batman rushed into the Batcave, with his cape flying behind him, he jumped into the Batmobile 2.0. The headlights gleamed, the engine revved and Batman put his foot on the accelerator. The car shoots out of the garage like meteor and promptly found itself stuck in Gulshan traffic, struggling to shift into second gear.

After half an hour on Gulshan avenue, Batman had experienced only five feet of movement. This combined with the incessant honking of car horns and the people asking very rudely whether he thought his father owned the street was too much to handle. Batman stepped out of his car, looked up at the city skyline and from his utility belt he drew his grappling hook. People on the street watched in awe as he fired the grapple with expert precision at a rooftop, where it hooked itself on a billboard. As Batman pulled on the rope to test its strength the billboard broke off its weak metal foundations on the roof and fell 40 feet right on top of Batman.

ArrangedMarriagePMS by TehZebraLord: TehGoatLord’s Biodata

And here goes TehGoatLord’s Bio-Data if anyone wants to marry him:

Personal details

Name: TehGoatLord
Date of birth: 4th Jan 1904 (Goato Domini)
Height: 3’4
Weight: 61 Kg
Complexion: Too goddamn dark.
Sexuality: Goatosexual
Habits (drinking/smoking): Smoking drinks
Educational Qualification: Farmgate Sagolmela Haat
Where you work currently?: Rantages Inc.
Annual Income: Depends upon allowance.

Time of birth: Wrong.
Place of birth: Field

Medical Details:

Dead?: Soon to be.
Birthmarks: Left penis cheek. Dark white pulsating spot which oozes from time to time

Asian/Banglaparents by TehGoatLord and TehGoatLaydeh: Suspicious Parents

And some of us can’t take it when our parents act nice to us, randomly. Just like how Rihanna wouldn’t take it if Chris Brown offered her some clothes or a pat in the back. The following example is based on a true story:

Friend : Dude you won’t believe what happened today..

Me : Sigh. Go ahead, surprise me.

Friend : My dad offered me orange juice. Think I should keep a knife under my pillow as a precaution?

I would have probably called 911 as backup if my parents offered me anything out of the blue for no apparent reason.

A Pink Rantage by PangashKhan: The Pink Punishment

If any boy was found carrying a water flask with a pink cap, we used to come down on him like a village council investigating a rape charge; exile from society was the usual punishment. Getting caught with a pink pencil sharpener in my classroom was just as bad as getting caught trying to cross the Berlin Wall, with the important exception that the KGB wouldn’t have called you a girl as they choked you with a towel.
If any boy was found carrying a water flask with a pink cap, we used to come down on him like a village council investigating a rape charge; exile from society was the usual punishment. Getting caught with a pink pencil sharpener in my classroom was just as bad as getting caught trying to cross the Berlin Wall, with the important exception that the KGB wouldn’t have called you a girl as they choked you with a towel.

Polapainzzz Racerzzz by TehDoctorK: The Founder vs His Driver

So, everyone gets in their car to prepare for the rally, the founder has a prolonged argument with his driver about the keys:

“Areh bhai den na, manijjot jaiboga toh!”

Driver – “Hunen, ekbar lagaisen, almost amar chakri gesiloga, ekhon kono bhabei paiben na main road e”

Founder – “Ajkey last, lagamu na, apnare chaa khawamu, bondhu bandhob ra ki koibo.”

Driver – “Koi jaiben kon, ami loya jaitesi”

Founder – “Areh bhai ami na chalaile toh bujenna, jinish ta hoibo na.”

Driver – “Taile ektu shamne nia ei road ei ekta round diben. Echara dimu na chabi, bapere phone koira
permission nen taile dewa jai.”

Founder – “Areh bhai ei lon baal er 200 taka.”

Driver – “200 taka diben, achcha jaan, eibar last dewa gelo.”

Finally the rally begins, from the traffic jam from the United Hospital Area to North South is probably the thrill of Rallying. After about an hour they arrive.

 

~ TehGoatLord.

The idea of the compilation came from Aweshumnesh.

 

Rantages published along with this:

Rantage 100: Rantage 100: Rantages in a Rantage
Rantage 101: The Influence of Media
Rantage 102: Most Screwed Up Things About Bangladesh [Part 1]
Comicage 3: Ugly Girls 

Rantage 99: Halloween in Bangladesh

Halloween is nearly nonexistent here in Bangladesh. Apart from some incessantly expensive English medium schools ( I am looking at you, ISD) no one seems to bother about it. Oh, and there are those Facebook status updaters who are always updating statuses about absolutely everything. So other than that, there’s not much that actually happens in Dhaka, let alone the rest of Bangladesh.
While procrastinating one fine day and pretending to study, I get a phone call from the Editor. Apparently, he wants to rehire me. Now I’ve been fired and re-hired at Rantages on a consistent basis. If I get fired again, it will be my 3rd time. I am beginning to think that he (TehGoatLord) does this to prove a point. He tells me to write an article for him

TehGoatLord: Oi, write me something about Halloween.
Me: But, I don’t work for you anymore.
TehGoatLord: What?
Me: You fired me, remember? Then cracked jokes about my religious beliefs on a few other rantages?
TehGoatLord: Oh. In that case you’re rehired. Now get to work.

That put me under trouble, you see. Trouble of actually having to do shit. The whole ‘Doing something productive’ gene was never really in my system. I co-own a porn site named ‘Umnotapornstar.com’ where I sort of run the show (or co-run, to be precise). I put everyone there under the impression that I am really working hard by shouting orders at them all the while I myself haven’t even used the site in months.
So yeah. Halloween. Bangladesh. Scary shit like ghosts, ghouls and Eshpelin Mishtak. Here goes:

Trick or Treating:

“Welcome to My TV News.
A group of miscreants, wearing white bed sheets, were spotted walking across the residential areas of Dhanmondi at around 11.00 PM tonight. They carried bags in their hands and yelled “Mama pinik er taka lagbe” from door to door. Dhaka Metropolitan Police immediately took to their tails.
After failing to generate a healthy bribe from them , the police were left with no option but to arrest the individuals. The police believe the individuals were associated with an international terror chain. Upon being asked which international terror chain would go around dressed as ghosts, Police Constable Rumman Kalam was qouted citing the name of English Right With extremist group “Liverpool Football Club”.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister’s Office has released an official press statement expressing firm belief that the group had something or the other to do with the opposition.
In response to this, the opposition party has announced Protest Rallies for the entire next month. They will be ALSO be wearing white bedsheets as a sign of protest”

Jack –O- Lanterns:

Ghumaoo Foundation had announced a programme to decorate the city with Jack-O-Lanterns to commemorate the event. A statement from the organizations website stated that they believed these programmes, coupled with numerous facebook albums in yellow Ghumaoo Foundation T-Shirts, were just what they needed to eradicate poverty and feed poor African children.
However, the organization had to cancel the event in the end. The astronomical price of the pumpkins at Mohammadpur Kacha Bazaar made it impossible for the origination to afford the necessary quantity of pumpkins.
Furthermore, the pumpkins they could buy smelt so much of formalin and scientists expressed fear that putting lit candles inside these Formalin store houses could in fact give rise to a chemical reaction that would render the pumpkin into a weapon of mass destruction.

Ghost Stories

Having run out of ideas at this point, I retreated to a very popular “Ghost Story” show that airs on FM radio every Friday night.
Here I am translating one of the stories *

Random Person : So me and my newlywed husband are like, you know, going to our honeymoon. And like, coincidentally, it’s like Halloween too. I was like, OMG! So we got into our hotel room and I was wondering if he had condoms. Just at the time, I like, decided to go to the veranda. We could get some air and also spread our arms out like DiCaprio and Winslet. It would be like, so perfectly romantic. So I first to go the veranda and take a look at the night sky. It’s like, so incredibly romantic but then, I begin to hear a very scary growl sort of sound. Almost like ‘baaaaaah’

BootFM. Using one of the most talented bassists in the world to talk about shit like this.

Host with scary voice cuts in : You mean like ‘baaaaah’?
RP: No, no. “baaaaaaayaaaaah”
HWSV : “Baaaaaayaaaah’?
RP: Uh huh. So yeah, where was I?
HWSV : You heard a growl?
RP: Oh right yeah. And out of nowhere, there’s a ghost Goat in the verandah!
HWSV : Are you sure it was a ghost?
RP: Why wouldn’t it be a ghost?
HWSV : I mean, it IS Bangladesh. A goat, just minding its own business, in the veranda of a hotel room isn’t really out of place here.
RP: Oh but it looked like an evil demonic goat! A bad, bad goat! And then, it disappeared. Since then, every time I go to the loo, it appears and stares at me!
HWSV : Does it hurt you?
RP: No. It just stared deep into my eyes as I take a dump. It has such memerizing eyes.
HWSV: Oh so you’re haunted by a demonic goat that stares at you while you take a shit and you manage to find it mesmerizing?
RP: Uh huh.
HWSV: Alright. Um…I think you should be going now. Thank you.
RP : You’re welcome.

And the Evil Spirits

Running disastrously short of content, I brainstormed real hard to imagine what would happen if a real life evil being appeared in Dhaka. First thing that come to my mind was Count Dracula.

Bangla vampires. Be VERY scared.

He slowly slid the window open and got into the room. It was lit by green night light, and the walls have a number of photo frames hanging from them. He noticed how the frames tended to be pink.
With the sound of his footsteps, the girl who had been sleeping on the bed woke up-

 

“Oh my God, who are you?”
“ I have come to suck your blood” [Google Translate: আমি আপনার রক্ত চোষা আসতে"]
“OH MY GOD. THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ROMANTIC”
“Uh what?”
“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. And were you like, stalking me while I was asleep?”
“Um…yeah?”
“OH MY GOD, I’M BLUSHING. THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO ROMANTIC. AND AND AND, ARE YOU LIKE A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEAR OLD BEING WHO IS ALSO A BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTER?”
“Erm..yeah”
“ OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU’RE MY SPECIAL SOMEONE. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT, I FORGOT TO UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS.” *hurriedly updates her facebook*
Count Dracula to himself : You know, I could have listened to my mother. I could have gone to college. But no. I had to be all evil instead. And now I’m stuck with this shit. Oh Lord.

Cheers. Happy Halloween.

Rantage 98: HòtTèsT BòY$ & G!rL$ DP CòNtèST

Recently, our reader Abdul Mueez made us aware of the HòtTèsT BòY$ & G!rL$ DP CòNtèST featured on FaceBook which is probably hosted by some 40 year old paedophile.

This is what I find when I enter the album named “Ăḋмïṉʐ…!” . I couldn’t figure out of it was a pair of lungs in the middle or a part of the female anatomy.

I'll let you decide

 

I proceed to look around a bit more in the album and I find this. An abomination to punk-rock, an abomination to Greenday and an abomination to Givson guitars.

Is he strumming or holding an invisible cock?

 

Their third status update goes like this

 

That pretty much made me aware that whatever quest I’m about to embark upon, I will possibly lose the ability to masturbate for 3 weeks or so thanks to the pictures.

None the less, I dive into the album called $elected conte$tant$
And now I have uncovered the pictures for you to laugh at. The pics that disabled my genitals will be printed and mailed to Israel.

 

100% Babe? More like 100%chanceofgettingherpesfromher

 

Introducing Elton John's illegitimate son: Paltan Jhontu
And Miss Narcissist over here misses herself because she had one too many abortions

 

Yes, I will fall in love with all the other straight guys who don't look like an aborted penis.

 

Because that's the only thing you will ever ride
The caption of this picture was "HERALD OF DARK". Most probably this picture shows your facial expression before getting raped by several negro men..

 

Emo Fahad shows his DSLR stolen from muVeZ dOnE in Bailey Road.

 

This man has a vagina spouting from his neck

 

This pretty much covers what is happening to our future generations. Imagine going to the hospital where 100% BABE is the nurse and EMO FAHAD is the doctor. Will you commit suicide or will you let them kill you?

TehGoatLord is now known as TehImpotentnesh

 

Rantages published along with this one
Polapainzzz RacerzZZz by TehDoctorK
An Indian Film Review- Mausam by TeastallPanda
HòtTèsT BòY$ & G!rL$ DP CòNtèST by TehGoatLord