I’m an ordinary guy with an extraordinary secret. It might not be much of a secret, however. I’m sure all guys feel this to a certain extent. Right? Anyone? No?
This secret is a great source of shame, even more so because six out of five ex-girlfriends have used this to batter my fragile self-esteem. After the most recent heartbreak, I was seated in front of my computer with my only solace in front of me. When I de-trousered and gave myself over to the best and brightest of Pornhub, something interesting caught my eye.
Try our new Penis Enlargement Cream, scientifically PROVEN to increase dick size and pleasure by 10. All the horny singles in your area will LOVE you. Call this number NOW!
Usually I’m ever vigilant about online scams. In this case, however, Mia Khalifa’s warm smile of reassurance accompanied by her warm set of two reassurances showed me that this was a product of some repute, and I’d be a fool to not make use of it.
A phone call and a few bKash payments later, I’d done it. I couldn’t contain my excitement, couldn’t contain my bodily fluids either, as shown by the pile of used tissues around my bed. The hours seemed to drag on forever as I waited for the arrival of the delivery man. Once the bell finally rang, I raced to the door. Composing myself before opening it, I hid my excitement to the best of my abilities. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), the delivery guy noticed the bulge in my pants. A couple of winks and suggestive smiles later, he left. “Soon everyone will know my excitement, and like the delivery guy, they will smile too,” I said to myself. “Especially the ones who broke my heart,” I thought.
My doubts returned momentarily when I opened the box, as the innocuous-looking dispenser looked like something you’d get from Kolikata Herbal. I pushed the doubts to the back of my mind. I couldn’t have spent all that money for nothing.
The first drops were warmer than I’d expected them to be. As I poured a handful, the smell almost made me gag. The pungent shorishar tel scent was unmistakable, and with it there was something sour too. Using one hand to clamp my nostrils shut, I took the other to the family jewels and gave a small rub. The sensation was a pleasant one, although I’m not sure how much of that could be attributed to the cream, I AM awfully sensitive down there. After one round, I was thoroughly spent and decided to call it a night. I went to bed smelling like a tannery’s sewer line.
The next morning was eventful, as I struggled to get up from bed. I soon realized why, as my midsection felt much heavier than before. The added heft made it difficult for me to put on my pants, but once I had them on everything went smoothly. Going about my day, I noticed people treating me with a lot more respect. When I stood in queues, people in front of me always gave me more space than what I needed. Many whispers were heard from people wondering what was poking them. Once I got on the bus, the helper cleared a seat for me even though I would have been happy to remain with the standing crowd.
I was proud of the progress made, and of the newfound bulge that had been missing from my life. I made sure to find that video and use the comment section to tell the others how successful this endeavour had been. Just to make sure I could help as many people as I could, I posted to Facebook too. #Shomajsheba, right? Once I fulfilled my quota of social good, I completed my pre-bed routine. Slowly but surely, I was getting used to the smell. Shorishar tel isn’t that bad if you really think about it. It smelt almost as if I was rubbing some A grade tehari onto my testicles, which is what most men can only dream of doing.
Over the next few days progress increased in leaps and bounds. Coincidentally, leaps and bounds is how I had to walk, since no other walking style suited the new me. I had to update my wardrobe to make room for my massive ego. In fact, my ego was beginning to get noticed. It was getting so noticeable that people turned away with scowls on their faces when I was out in public. Clearly they were jealous. It was also pretty nice to see the reactions of the girls who’d spurned my advances, when I revealed myself to them. They must have run away screaming because of how much they regretted letting me go.
As the weeks rolled on, not all remained good, however. Facebook announced my account had been removed for offensive content. This is why philanthropy is dead, I guess. In addition to this, people had started to avoid me. I could never stay in a room for more than five minutes before everyone ended up having to leave. My friends had started to leave me, and my family wouldn’t look at me. I realized that when the advertisement said it would increase by 10, it hadn’t mentioned any units. What I’d assumed to be ten centimetres, or maybe even inches, could well may have been feet.
Fortunately, with great might comes great wisdom I realized the error of my ways. Focusing on physical traits will only stretch your veins to painful proportions, and make you vain. So I have turned to a life of asceticism and meditation. I would urge you all to try this wonderful cream (personally rated 10/10), as it will change your life for the better and bring you into the path of peace. I have tried a couple professions to fit my newly modified anatomy. I tried being a snake charmer whose snake was attached to his body, but that turned out to be a source of great discomfort as men and women of all ages demanded to touch it. Now I have a job where I have a lot of time to myself to reflect. The only thing I need to do is stand at the crossroad beside the train track. My supervisor says I am the most reliable road-blocker they’ve ever had, so there’s that.
Cover design by TehMsPaint.