I spend most of my time being stressed and worrying about how things will turn out in my life. As you can imagine, my life is pretty complicated. Some of you will try to tell me that I should be happy with my life because it’s better than yours. Yes, my life is better but that doesn’t mean it’s simple or easy.
Anyway, there I was, living a complicated life and leading a mostly unhappy existence until I came across a great motivational post on Facebook that gave me the secret to a meaningful existence.
I thought about it. Truly, why do I complicate life? We only have one life after all.
Missing Somebody? …. Call
I took my phone and tried to dial my ex best friend’s number. The only problem was, I didn’t have it saved on my phone. Say what you will about me, but the only thing that can crush my spirit is not getting enough marriage proposals in a week. I looked up all my old diaries from before the time I had a cellphone and found my best friend’s home number. I called her up.
“Hello King Cobra? It is I, your friend, Giant Panda.”
“Oh. Giant Panda, what’s up? Haven’t heard from you in like… 31 months?”
Yeah bitch of course you haven’t since you did all that bitchass bullcrap to my face, bitch. However, I’m all about forgiveness.
“Yeah haha. No, I was just wondering how you’re doing. I was missing the old times, I guess.”
“OMG really? So you’ve forgiven me for believing shit Rattlesnek said about you behind your back despite knowing you for twleve years?”
“Umm yeah sure.”
“So you’ve forgiven me for bitching about you behind your back?”
“So like, you’ve also forgiven me for stealing all the Ferrero Rochers you were saving in your fridge?”
“THAT WAS YOU? BITCH WE DONE.”
I couldn’t take it. I knew there was a reason we couldn’t be best friends anymore. I proceeded to the next thing on the list.
Wanna meet up? … Invite
I thought a lot about people I wanted to meet up with. Ryan Reynolds never responded to my Instagram DMs and I couldn’t get a hold of H.M. Ershad either. I had to settle with those dudes from Gulistan Art-parasites, Shufeel and Creependu.
I invited them to discuss their literature over lunch. They graciously accepted at first, but seemed disgusted at my suggestion to meet up at Rifles Square.
“I didn’t know that place had food,” wrote Creependu.
“We only eat at the Westin,” wrote Shufeel.
“Or Lakeshore,” added Creependu.
“I can’t really afford those places guys,” I wrote back.
“Then you can’t afford us,” wrote Shufeel.
Wanna be understood? … Explain
I kinda had to skip this one because I do not want to be understood. I like being cryptic and I enjoy the sense of wonderment I evoke in people. My social media celebrity status is the only thing I’ve got going for me, tbh. If I try to explain, people might realize that I’m just another loser with good marketing skills.
Apologies, but I like being a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
Have questions? … Ask
There’s this guy who always sits near me in class. I asked him when was the last time he showered. He hasn’t spoken to me since.
Don’t like something? … Say it
I tried telling the above-mentioned dude I don’t like his body odour, but he turned on his heels and went the other way as soon as he saw me approaching.
Like something? … State it
I shared a video of Donald Trump speaking about the US’s foreign policy in the Middle East before he was elected, and told people how much I liked what he had to say, but no one took it well.
Want something? … Ask for it
I got 33% on a midterm that was really important, so I went to my teacher to ask for a passing grade. He seemed really surprised at what I was asking.
“Are you… asking me to give you free marks?”
“Yes sir, precisely.”
“And why exactly are you asking for something you did not achieve?”
“Because I want it, sir.”
I did not understand what went wrong there, but I sensed that my teacher was livid, so I left.
Love someone? … Tell it
I wasn’t sure who to tell, but I decided to start with the guy I was in love with. He seemed stricken at my confession. “You’re nice and all,” he told me,
“but I could only like a woman who is deeply intelligent, understands philosophy, poetry, science, technology, gaming, action movies, wrestling, knows how to cook, agrees with everything I say, is not a feminist, leaves me alone unless I talk to her, looks pretty, and has curves, because real women have curves.”
And he left without letting me say another word.
What was the point in telling other people I loved this guy if the feeling was not reciprocated? I was heartbroken.
As it turns out, the motivational post didn’t change much in my life except I learned that the romantic feelings I harboured in my heart was unrequited and some people definitely started hating me. In a way, following this advice left me worse off.
You can’t say I didn’t try improving my life or making it simpler, I really did. It didn’t work out.
Cover design by TehThotMama.