The Rantages Guide to Getting Into A Good University

Let Rantages guide you through the prostate exam known as ‘Admission’. Lean back and learn how you can be as smart as Rick and Morty fans.

University admission tests are like weddings, it is a largely unnecessary formality that only lasts about two-three hours, but requires months of stressful preparation. You know your life is going to be a sad compilation of tragedies and failures regardless of whether or not these two-three hours go according to plan, but you still try, because watching random people pretend to be happy for you and being able to post celebratory status updates/photos on Facebook is worth all that trouble.

We at Rantages understand this necessity and therefore present this step by step guide to getting into a good university. You have already spent your big bucks at Udvash and Mentors’ and UCC and I’m writing this for the sole purpose of telling you that you needn’t have.

Get Familiar with Your Options

This is easy because you only have two options. No matter what your heart desires, whatever your dreams and aspirations may be, no matter what you’re good at, or bad at for that matter, your only two real options are BUET or Medical College admission tests. You might want to tell me that you’re a commerce or arts student, in which case, I strongly suggest asking your dad for a small loan of a million dollars to start a business, and if your family is poor, starting a meme page because at least that way, you’ll be poor, but famously.

You could go for IBA, but if all you wanted in life was to be part of a small group of out of touch people who pat each other on the back for supposedly being better than the rest of the world, you could simply become a Rick and Morty fan. Your lack of IQ would be a problem, in which case, IBA isn’t a bad option. As for the other public universities, they exist to fool people into a false sense of security for 4 years of their lives, after which their heads are forcefully dunked into a sea of cold water, whose waves whisper “BUET Medical chhara jibon e ki i ba ase?”

Assess and Match Yourself

Let’s be real for a second, this is the height of admission season and you’re reading Rantages’ guide to getting into a good university, which means your prospects are about as bright as a perfect blackbody. FYI, you don’t know what a perfect blackbody is, because you’re dumb. I know it, because I just googled “really not bright object physics.” The smart people have already taken care of themselves. As for the sad little shits reading and writing this, we need to go into damage control. I know I dissed public universities in the paragraph above, but the thing is, four (more like seven) years of blissful ignorance is exactly what you need.

You didn’t study for two years in 11th and 12th, you stared blankly at the wall the night before your HSC exams because the questions are going to be leaked, you didn’t even bother looking at the leaked questions because everyone sitting around you in the exam hall would come prepared and you can just copy their exam scripts, but even then, it’s unfair that you now can’t get into a university. To solve this problem, you need to ask yourself if you’re remotely good at any of the subjects they taught at school. If yes, you should probably attempt to get into a public university before failing and going to Basundhara University. If no, you should definitely go for IBA because there are only 150 seats there but everyone still thinks they have a shot, which makes for an exciting journey filled with more disappointments before you inevitably pack your bags for, you guessed it, Basundhara University. If you’re poor, refer back to the first paragraph and go cry or something.

Study I Guess

Studying is hard, as opposed to doing nothing other than reacting to memes and listening to the same old songs you’ve been listening to since the time Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington were alive. But do you know what’s harder? Being a failure in life and letting your life go to shit. But wait, that’s not always going to be the case, though, is it? You’re going to have to do a lot worse than not study to have your life go to shit.

In most cases, it’s pretty easy to do the bare minimum and let life take its course, because not everyone can commit social suicide for three months to get into a university that may or may not help make their life better but will definitely turn them into a pompous little bitch. One might even argue that it’s unhealthy to do so, not unhealthier than doing nothing and reacting to memes and listening to the same old songs you’ve been listening to since Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington were alive, but unhealthy nonetheless.

Be There for The Exams

Admission tests are a disastrous mess of stress, panic, actual physical nausea and tears. But the important thing to remember about them is, they are usually over pretty soon. They’ll be over way too soon if you are actually serious about answering the questions, and if you aren’t serious, wasting a couple of hours doing nothing shouldn’t be too hard because that’s what got you into this position in the first place. Remember to say you’re pretty sure about getting in no matter how bad your exam goes, and always radiate an air of ‘I did better than you’ when discussing the test with friends. The bad results will fuck with your happiness for a long time, do not miss the chance to fuck with someone else’s happiness for a couple of weeks. Once home, do not forget to very politely ask your parents if they have saved money to send you to university. Pray that they say yes.

P.S. Please refer future admission candidates to Rantages for admission counselling. We won’t do anything to help you get in, but we will send you 20 taka if you don’t.

 

Cover design by TehThotMama.

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