Seven Degrees of Failure

I have been hearing about the infamous phenomenon known as admission tests for as long as I can remember. I used to think it was all a bit exaggerated; that people lose their minds preparing for these tests, their true colours come out, even the closest of friendships end, parents become evil masterminds whose only mission in life turns out to be making you feel like shit and so on.

But I slowly began to come in terms with the reality, once I saw my seniors whine about the post-HSCs admission period through their tragic statuses (and I’m not saying those were tragic just because of the unnecessarily high usage of Avro. They were actually quite heartbreaking).

When I had to face the very same situation, I could not possibly realize how they put all their sad emotions into one little Facebook status. I could write a million words about those dark days and I still wouldn’t be done.

1. Pick a future*
*any future of your parents’ and the friendly neighbourhood annoying auntie’s choice

Most of us had to succumb to society’s expectations of studying science at the tender age of 15, regardless of our individual interests. But when it comes to taking a final decision on which university you want to attend, you will rediscover the appeals of being an anti-establishment hipster, as this is the prime time in the life cycle of the Typical Nagging Adult. These adults will stop at nothing to turn you into a creature that they can brag about at parties, also known as a creature who studies medicine or engineering.

If you think you can choose career paths based on what you’re good at, you’re wrong, my child.
“I love to paint. I want to go to Charukola.”
“Amar to math bhalo lage na and ami bhalo pari o na.”
“Paro na mane? Shikhba. Charukola-y shob ganjakhor polapain pore. Tumi Engineer hoba. Eishob artfart er kotha jeno ar na shuni.”

If you think you are allowed to have an opinion at all, you’re wrong, my child.
“I want to study business.”
“Astagfirullah! Shara jibon science pore ekhon bole bebsha porte chaye! Commerce er student hobe bole! Naujubillah!”
“But I want to..”
“Nobody cares what you want. Tomar baap maa daktar, tumio daktar hoba. Eitar upore kono kotha nai. Daktar er baccha bebsha korte chaye, ei din dekha laglo.”

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These discussions will not stop until you get in (or not get in) somewhere. Honestly, child, when will you learn, you piece of shit?

2. Coaching

There are about 5 or 6 famous coaching centres that can help you fulfil your dreams, earn your parents some bragging rights and most importantly, help you get laid. You know the only reason you want to get into BUET or IBA is because them ladies are going to come running to you.

And you’ll spend a hell lot of money for that.
And you’ll spend a hell lot of money for that.

Aside from that, most coaching centres are hell-bent on making you lose all your self-confidence. By the time you’ve sat for a few tests and failed every one of them even though you studied hard, you’ll realize that Virat Kohli had more confidence batting against Mustafizur than you ever will.

To make things worse, you will see your friends getting highest marks while you just sit there crying and wishing for your significant other to comfort you. But she won’t be there, because a certain engineering coaching centre now has a policy of single-sex classrooms. (I think they took this up as a training program, since most boys’ backup plan for studying engineering is a certain university situated in Gayzipur, so I can’t really condemn this highly perceptive initiative.)

Don’t let me discourage you, though. You might get lucky and discover some A-grade engineering student taking your class. They give really great advice that will help you throughout your life.

For the girls: “BUET e toh ashole meye ra onek kom chance pay, tumi bhorti hou, dekhba daily 6ta kore prem er prostab pachho.”
For the boys: “BUET e chance pao khali, borolok er meye ekta-r tuition pailei hoise, tomar life set!”

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Now that you’re inspired and all set to hit the books, let me get to my next point.

3. stuDying

So this is your bucket list for the time being:

  • Get into a public university
  • Work as a teacher at an admission coaching
  • Get laid

Now, maybe just for the sake of the last point, you decide to study.

This is when shit gets real. You suddenly realize that you learned nothing in the last 12 years. And the things you thought you knew, you don’t anymore. Then you will realize that in that very Physics book which you studied so much that the blue covers are no longer attached to it, has many uncharted, undiscovered areas.

This is when a lot of people give up. Some of you, who don’t have dates to plan or weed to smoke, may try to stick to the mission.

If you at least manage to put up the pretence of studying, you will realize what it feels like to have your mom love you. She will bring food to your room, she’ll make sure you get whatever you crave, and she’ll even call you “lokkhi babu”.

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Don’t get used to that.

4. Exams

You studied so hard that you even know what the hell Sequioa gigantica is. All your relatives think you’ll get in to a public university and bring pride and joy to your family where the only time someone did anything worthwhile was when they shook hands with Nazmul Hassan Papon. While you’re battling this mountain of expectations and hoping to achieve something greater than shaking hands with a corrupt BCB official, you will slowly start to doubt yourself. I mean, you never know what’s going to happen at the exam hall. You might panic; you might fill up all the wrong circles. You might forget everything.

The thing is, these exams come with an unimaginable amount of stress and no model test is enough to prepare you for the actual admission test. When you are told from an early age that you’re completely worthless unless you can get into a public university, it takes a toll on you.

Maybe that’s not true. Maybe there’s more to your existence than getting into a university but unfortunately neither you nor your parents think that way.

So with a heavy heart, I must now shed some light on the outcome.

5. Consequences

You sit for the first admission test of the season (which were the Dhaka University tests, in our case) and voila, you don’t make it. This is when your parents, and every other relative whom you have never even heard of, will unleash their wrath.

*kid crying her eyes out*
Mom: Ha kando. Aro kando. Porashona mot e koro na. Basha theke ber kore deya uchit. Kari kari taka noshto korse ekhon abar dhong kortese.

If you think they’ll stop after a few days, you’re wrong.

“Amar mone hoy diarrhoea hoise saline khabo naki?”
“Goo kha tui kothao chance pabi na taile to diarrhoea hobei dhong e bache na ja ichha kor tui dur ho chokh er shamne theke.”

Of course, there are those who do make it. Some of them do because they worked hard, some get in on pure good luck, and some buy the questions on the night before the exam. Kudos to all of them, and likes for their statuses announcing the good news.

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6. The Friend Factor

You know how there are these ‘crazy’ people who feel genuinely happy when they see others doing well for themselves? And maybe you are one of them, like I am(my mom says I lack competitive spirit so I’ll never be successful).

So when half of your friends get in to that very place where you couldn’t make it, you’ll probably feel worse about the fact that you couldn’t join them instead of feeling jealous and hateful. Because at the end of the day, you know that your future is the only thing you should care about.

Unfortunately, your parents will not stop bugging you about the fact that you’re a stupid piece of shit while your friends and god-knows-what-other-distant-cousins shine like diamonds.

“Amar colleague er bon er pasher bashar bhai er vagina A unit e 30th hoise. Tumi ki korso jibon e.”

7. Facebook

In case you fail to get in anywhere and the green eyed monster starts showing, then you must avoid checking your news feed. And even if you’re not an envious person, you’re bound to feel a little bad when these statuses show up.

“Chance paisi mamaaaa!!! DU here I come!!”

“JU te 2nd ar DU te 5th hoisi Alhamdulillah. Ammu bolse ekhon chul color korte parbo notun lance lagate parbo yayyy!!!11”

If you think you’re better than that kid because you know the correct spelling of lens, you’re not. She got in, you didn’t. Go kill yourself you fgt.

Admission tests are one of the most difficult things we have to face in our lifetime. Truth is, this process of selection is seriously flawed, but we’re stuck with this system; so the only way to shut the haters up is to ace at least one test.

Most of your seniors will keep reminding you that even if someone fails to do so, it is not the end of the world and there must be bigger and better things waiting for them. Even though that’s really hard to believe right now, those words are true.

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On some days, even L’Oréal Paris can’t convince you that you’re worth it. But you are worth it. Try and take that into account the next time you hear Aishwarya Rai Bachchan say that instead of starting to fap right away.

I mean, really, she’s a wise old married lady with a kid. If she says you’re worth it, then you are.
LeDalek signing off.










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