It was a fine summer afternoon. A kid was running around the house screaming “I’m gay! I’m gay!”
That kid has grown up and is writing an article on sex education as we speak. And no, I wasn’t gleefully coming out of the closet back then. I had actually learned a new word that day. Gay meant “happy”.
Owk, let’s face the facts. We don’t receive proper sex education. Scratch that…. We don’t have ANY sex education. We don’t find our moms and dads coming to us one fine day and telling us about how they made love to each other and scarring us for life. That doesn’t happen in Bangladesh. For all I know, my mom is still a virgin and I’m the reincarnation of Jesus. (pls don’t stab me to death for writing this. I don’t think I’ll be able to come back after 3 days.)
I know a kid who ran around the whole house with a pack of contraceptive pills screaming, “ovastat gold jonmo birotikoron pill!” Of course he didn’t know what that meant, but he recognized it from the ads he’d seen on TV and was just acting out.
That kid wasn’t me. I swear that wasn’t me. No Bangladeshi in their right minds would acknowledge the fact that their parents ever had sex.
Over here we never formally talk about sex. We believe in action. We just do it. And seeing the rate of population growth, we actually do it quite a lot!
For a nation that doesn’t talk much about sex, how do we learn how to do it? We learn it from school. Hey! That doesn’t sound that bad…right? The problem is that learning it from school doesn’t mean we learn it from our teachers under a civilized curriculum. Nope, our teachers never talk about sex. In fact I’ve seen them punishing students for acquiring the knowledge and uttering the word. In schools four things are banned: Pokémon cards, mobile phones, bombs and knowledge of sex.
No, we actually learn it from the “noshto boro bhai bradarz and friends” who think that it’s fun to pollute the minds of innocent young children with thoughts of boobs and vaginas. Learning about sex is painfully similar to getting hooked on drugs. One day they just tell you the word and ask you to look it up in the dictionary. You look it up and you’re intrigued to know more. The next day they tell it to you. They explain to you how you came to this world. They tell you everything. Gay sex, anal, condoms, pills, threesomes, orgy parties everything. (If you’re an English medium student they might also invite you to an orgy party. We all know you do it. A guy on the internet told us)
Now what do we do with this newly found heap of knowledge?
We actually go through the five stages of grief:
Denial– We try living in denial. There’s no such thing as sex. We don’t insert our pee-pee inside a girl’s pee-pee. That’s just utterly disgusting!
Anger– The individual becomes frustrated. Why is everyone in the world so evil? Why do they do such fucked-up things to each other? Why would God let this happen? Why is the world so cruel?!
Bargaining– We need some time to ourselves. (No, not to jerk off. That comes later.) We start debating with ourselves about it. We think about it and we think hard (pun intended)
Depression– The thought hits us and it hits us hard. Everybody in the whole world does the nasty. Thinking that our mom and dad did this just makes it worse. We cry ourselves to sleep. Why mom & dad? Why?! Was it really worth it? Did you really have to do such disgusting things just to bring a dumb-fuck like me to this world? Am I really worth it? I’m pretty sure I’m a waste of good sperm.
But then comes the last stage, acceptance. Some lost pieces of the puzzle start coming together. We suddenly remember the time our dad beat the shit out of us for playing with a certain kind of balloon. Yeah, bad news kid. That was actually a raja condom.
Now that we’ve finally accepted our fate, here comes the fun part.
A whole new world opens up to us. A whole new world of sex, pyar aur dhoka. We come face to face with the huge chunk of the internet that is known as pornography. From Pamela Anderson to Roshomoy Gupta via Savita Bhabi. Also that awkward phase when you find yourself masturbating while a demonic figure shoves its tentacles (yes, plural) up a poor girls private parts.
We devour ourselves in erotic materials. What was once considered a disgusting deed is now considered the greatest thing that has ever happened to mankind. The dream is to be drowning in pussy. But due to the lack of girls who’re sane enough to sleep with us we drown ourselves in porn. We start watching every type of porn there is. It starts with soft-core porn images and escalates quickly to things we call 1X, 2X, 3X, 4X and basically every number you can put before the alphabet X. 2X is erotic images, 3X is videos, 4X is gangbang, 5X is bestiality….the shit that we actually believed back then.
And everybody knows that nilkhet porn dealer who’ll come up to you and ask “mama 3X lagbe? Deshi ase bideshi ase shob ase” They are the deshi equivalent of Walter White.
We start sexualizing anything and everything. We want to fuck anything and everything that walks and talks and has breasts.
Sexual frustration and chronic masturbation becomes a common trait. We fap whenever and wherever we can. Even the smallest and weirdest things become a turn on. I know a guy who jacked off in a girls’ school during a famous science fair event. When asked why he did that, he said that the thought of being surrounded by so many girls turned him on. I didn’t even bother to ask why he told me about it in the first place. Who knows…maybe telling me was also a turn on for him.
We actually never learn about sex. We’re not even interested to learn about it. All our questions about sex will revolve around our lack of confidence and insecurities about the whole ordeal. Sit with a group of guys and tell them that they can make their queries about sex. I can give you a list of the top 10 things that they’ll ask you.
- Does size really matter?
- Is anal sex haraam?
- Speaking of haram, can I do doggy style?
- Does size really matter?
- Does masturbation make you go blind?
- How do I last longer in bed?
- Does Kolikata herbal really work?
- Does size really matter?
- What’s the smallest size that is needed to satisfy someone?
- Does size REALLY matter?
Just for the record, NO. Size doesn’t matter.
See the lack of questions about safe sex, STDs and AIDS? We don’t care about our dicks falling off due to an STD as long as it’s long enough.
Owk here’s the thing. Sex education is important. But first we have to teach our boys how to treat girls properly. The first thing that they should teach boys in sex-ed is to stop thinking with their dicks. What sort of numb-nut tries to justify rape and sexual assault saying that the girls were wearing provocative dresses and hence were asking for it? We need to teach the kids proper etiquette. And if you think that harassing a lady is justified due to some bullshit logic about dressing up and exposing body parts then I’ve got one thing to say to you. You, sir, are one dense motherfucker.