Imagine Saddam Hussein with access to nuclear weapons. That’s the moral equivalent of us Bangladeshis with internet. On another note, you won’t find Bangladeshis out of Facebook.
1. *Tags Mashroof Hossain*
Whether it be a lost kitten, a heinous crime or pictures of their kid’s Sunnat-e-Khatna party, these people will always make sure that the Supercop is updated about things.
2. Gotta take a selfie
I have a guy on my Facebook newsfeed who takes a picture with his KFC meal every day. The photos always end up looking underexposed because the flash fully hits his teeth and makes his food look like rations from the Vietnam War. Another group of people are the ones who take selfies during meetings with their bosses. Best is when the white board behind them shows how much losses they are making per quarter. Yes, that happened. Then there are people who take selfies with dead bodies, petrol pumps, a pissed off looking Mashrafe and Shafin Ahmed’s fedora. Lord save their galleries.
You’d be pissed off all the time too if you had to deal with Bangladeshi ad agencies 24/7.
3. The Check-in Squad
There’s a guy on my list who checks in at work every day. That’s like Habib Wahid announcing every day that he’s a shit musician.
The Check-in Squad’s life revolves around letting their peers know that they are always at the most happening of places. Eid? Westin. Pohela Boishakh? Ramna. Boi Mela? Dead.
Some of them also go as far as checking in at their own homes.
4. Social Justice Warriors
These people will fight for free speech and the idea of freedom but once you share an opinion that goes against theirs, they will open an event page and track you down to your mother’s maiden name, weight, eye colour and penis girth just to prove that you are wrong. They will often fight for women’s rights on the internet, usually through Facebook statuses because ain’t nothing like a status update to stop child marriage and lower female wages.
They are also the same people who will always comment on pictures saying that you should have used the money to feed the poor. The only instance of them feeding the poor was when they were alone with their bua and she needed to be shut up at any cost. Any cost.
5. I Am Better Than You
This is only seen among men. Usually a combination of extreme daddy issues and the inability to satisfy their significant others in bed result in such attitude. I’ll just use pictures to illustrate my point here.
6. The Hashtaggers
They use hashtags for anything and everything. They use hashtags on every single word in their posts and comments. Some like to use underscores to separate words within their hashtags.
I once asked one ardent hashtagger the reason behind this. He said he used underscores to separate his words because people won’t be able to do it on their own. Well, if everyone had the same level of intelligence as this guy, there’s every reason to worry about the collective intelligence of this nation.
7. Avro Warriors
These people are a combination of types 4, 5 and 6. What kind of person has the time to write two thousand word essays on Facebook every single day? And what kind of person has the time to read it? I don’t know any official stats but judging from the above observation, I’ll say that the unemployment rate in our country is too high.
8. Deshi Short Stories fans
There is an abundance of people who react to and share Deshi Short Stories and every other kind of short stories in English, Bangla, and sometimes Hindi. The atrocities committed by these pages in the name of literature is punishable by death.
Psychologists have a term for this- it’s called an Oedipal complex.
Every time someone shares advice from “Doctor” Asky, or the brightest philosopher of our age, Daniel Amos (who the fuck is this guy?), I die a little on the inside. People who share posts from a page called “No one cares” don’t deserve to be cared for by anyone. Anyone who does care about them should stop. And no, a picture containing a laughing Chandler Bing and cringe-worthy texts does not make it sarcasm. Please help them look up the word in a dictionary, or at least google the word.
But most of them also don’t know that there exists a thing called google, and they have replaced the use of google by Facebook. Truly ingenious. Which brings us to our next point.
10. Amar Phone Chhintai Hoise, Keu Khuje Diben?
Social media works great if you’re trying to find someone to donate blood or something along the lines of that. But these people seem to be unaware of the fact that if someone commits a crime against you, the first thing you should do is report it to the police, not ask for justice from social media.
They also don’t seem to know that other services are available out of Facebook.
“Bhai Game of Thrones trailer er link hobe link?”
Oh I don’t know, have you tried using google?
“Amar pacchate ekta fora hoise. Ekhon ki korbo?”
Oh I don’t know, have you tried seeing a doctor?
That’s all for today folks. I’ll leave you to contemplate our fellow countrymen while I go read comments on the Prothom Alo Facebook page because I’m masochistic like that. Good day.