“There are two types of people in this world” may be a dead meme, but it is a true meme, so I shall use it. There are two types of people in this world – ones who have fun during the holidays, and ones who sit at home and rant. I am of the latter kind, as you can tell.
In the olden days, it was acceptable for people to visit dadubari in every vacation, but only English for Today acknowledges that tradition nowadays. In this day and age, the only acceptable way to spend your holidays is to go on trips, take 6920 selfies, make 3450 Instagram posts and then post “#tbt best trip ever” after returning from the trip. Unfortunately, I will never know what it’s like to post #tbt selfies from the best trip ever, because I never get to go on any trips. I spend my “vacation” being a lonely sack of potato, pondering my meaningless existence in the corner of my room. Therefore, I have decided to make a list of reasons to justify my empty Instagram account that mostly has my face in 30 different angles.
1. The chill squad ruins it for you
My mother tells me that no one’s life is easy. I beg to differ, because I know people whose lives are absolutely perfect. These people seem to have the perfect family life, they’re able to get leaves from work whenever they want, and they can go on trips every other month.
While I have no problem with them living their perfect lives, I so wish their perfect memories would be contained in their minds and the gallery of their phones.
But hey, there is no fun in that right? So I see pictures of them in pools on the 56921st floor, at bars, on a mountain, in a desert, in an igloo, in Westeros (No I don’t care about your selfies with Jaime *sob*) and what not. These pictures do trigger the green monster known as jealousy that lives inside my heart, but by the time the #tbt pictures roll in, even my green monster goes into a virtual coma of nonchalance.
2. Some people just have the best parents
I for one always knew I was born in the wrong family. Neither will they aid me with money nor will they permit me to go alone with my own hard-earned cash. A simple math: lazy parents beget lazy children. Only after countless nagging and rolling on floors, promising to do better this semester, leaving my best gadgets as mortgage do I get to go on a tour with my friends. So obviously I miss the next few trips out of sheer tiredness of this charade.
On the other hand, I see my friends throwing some half-baked excuses at their parents and they are good to go! Are these parents simply dull, didn’t watch enough serials to have gained goyenda skills or just have the most liberal hearts!?
There is that other group whose parents are just as adventurous as they are. This results in grainy pictures from trips with captions like
আমার সোনা বাবার সাথে আইফেল টাওয়ারে একটি সন্ধ্যা
সিলেটের পাঁচ ভাই রেস্তোরাঁতে এলাম মজাদার ভাত খেতে। সাথে আমার ছোট্ট সোনামনিরা
These are really wholesome families. What? I’m not jealous. Why would I be jealous of their perfect life? I’M HAPPY, OKAY?
3. When you are a moddhobitto barir “bara cele”
I used to think that going on trips would be much easier for me if I had possessed a penis. Sadly, I now realize that if I had been a putroshontan I would have the terrible luck of being the “bara cele” of our textbook moddhobitto poribar. Bara celes have to earn their own pocket money, which automatically becomes rationed. In this dire situation, when a juicy Sajek Tour comes along, they have to console themselves saying they’re saving up for the rainy days.
Except that their lives are eternal monsoons, and everyday is a rainy day.
4. When you are only allowed to plan a religious pilgrimage with your hubby, 1 like = 1 prayer
Now that I’ve established that having a penis wouldn’t be of any use to me, let me tell you, having a vagina isn’t any use either. Girls in our country are seldom allowed to dream of spending holidays in a network-er-baire place with her friends (read: begana purush and ussringkhol meyechele).
Me: Abba my friends are going on a trip to Chittagong for a factory visit. This is legitimately a field trip for our course.
Me: Abba pls etay marks ase
Me: Maa ektu bolo abba ke..
Maa: Keno bolbo, tomar biyer pore tumi ar tomar shami mile onek field trip korte parba 😉
Maa: Hae duijon mile ghurba, TONA TUNI hehehehe
5. When your socializing juice runs out way too fast
After all this, I have transcended into nirvana and figured out the futility of all earthly matters. What does it matter, whether I go to Sajek or Banani 11 on my long vacation? I am a celestial being, at peace with myself, I do not need likes on pictures from my trips. These fake people with their fake #tbt pictures exhaust me. They don’t understand life. They’ll never discover the secrets of this universe. I cannot interact with such ignorant little shits for more than two minutes at a stretch. I go to class, and I come home to the corner in my room. That corner is happy place. I read, I paint, I even do chores but I don’t mingle with halfwits, let alone plan a vacation with them. Having fun with people is for losers am I right guys? Guys? Anyone?
Cover design by TehObscureGhoast