I have enough problems in my life, such as traffic, shitty finance courses, and more traffic. I have a horrible internet service provider who cuts off the connection for 3 days at a stretch and then turns his phone off. Everyone in my utterly Bengali family hates one another. Every other day I have moments when I just want to rage quit and go live in the Colorado Mountains with the goats. But do I have the money to suddenly move to Colorado? No I don’t. I am stuck in this godforsaken city where I don’t even get network coverage IN THE MIDDLE OF FARMFUCKINGGATE.
Yesterday, while sitting in traffic at the magical hour of 9 AM, I remembered that I have a deadline to meet within an hour. I had no hopes of reaching my university by that time and e-mailing the report from the computer lab, so I resorted to ye olde data pack. The USSD code finally went through at my third attempt, and I thought I had it all sorted. I could just e-mail the file to my teacher from my phone, and for about two seconds I appreciated the wonders of 21st century technology. Then I looked at my phone, and I realized that the internet wasn’t even working, at all. I tried and I tried, but network connectivity problem is a disease more serious than cancer or one of those Facebook short story pages. I ended up missing my deadline, and my teacher did not listen to my tragic pleas. Upon hearing about my circumstances, he just told me to use a better telco.
By now, I think you’ve guessed which telecom operator I was using. Good old Airtel, provider of shitty telephone network and shitty memes. What good is their revolutionary cheap call rates if no call ever goes through? My 3 year old cousin’s train set is better organized than Airtel, a company which cut the connection to almost all their customers, regardless of whether they registered or not, when the deadline for biometric sim registration ended.
Dear reader, I bet you have the same advice for me as my teacher did. You think I should switch to a better telco, one that actually lets me make calls. Which one do you use? Grameenphone, is it? You’re thinking that GP has great network, great internet speed… perfect telcos do exist, innit? May I ask, where does all your money go?
That’s right. All your money goes straight into the blackhole that is known as Grameenphone. Every time you recharge 3759824 taka, and every time it lasts for three minutes at best, if you’re really frugal. Every time this happens , you cry yourself to sleep mourning the death of your money, thinking that even you could last longer than this in bed. Let’s be honest, you inherited this ancient sim from your dad, and deep down you know that despite this great network, you are as unhappy with this telco as your dad is with you.
Look, I just want to use an operator that has cheap rates, good network and doesn’t bother me much with strange offers. Banglalink satisfies the first two criteria, but they fail big time at the last one. Do I look like the kind of person who wants to go on a date with Naila Nayem, let alone a paid date? My friends who use Banglalink have stopped checking their text messages altogether, thanks to these strange people making them Darun Offers every two minutes. They’ve missed important messages from friends, family and teachers because of this, but I think Banglalink Desh has successfully brainwashed them into thinking that those weird orange dancers in ads are their real family.
The next one you’ll suggest is Robi, and trust me, I’ve looked into it. This seemingly harmless telecom operator has more hidden charges than your girlfriend has secrets. Few days ago I came across a hideously designed post on Facebook where they were promoting an offer for Citycell sim holders – 5 gigabytes for 40 taka etc. I thought I’d take my grandmother’s old sim and have it changed, but then luckily, I clicked on বিস্তারিত জানুন.
A page called “The Unconditional Offer” turned up, which showed some 65793 conditions, including that those megabytes would be given in installments and it’d only be valid from 2 AM to 2 PM every day. After this experience, I’m more likely to name my future dog Dinarish than I am to use Robi.
Maybe now you’re expecting me to shed some light on why Teletalk sucks, but who even owns a Teletalk sim unless they have to register for re-checking their SSC scripts. I didn’t have to do that because I got golden A+ unlike your sorry Teletalk-using ass, so I won’t even go into this right now.
When John Lennon was a schoolboy, his teacher asked him what he wanted to be. Virgin Radio Lebanon will tell you that he said he wanted to be happy. Little do they know, he actually said he wanted to be happy with his telecom operator. This important detail is left out of inspirational quotes because wanting to be happy and content about a telecom operator is the most unrealistic demand one could ever make and even shitty inspirational pages can’t make you believe it’s possible.
Cover design by ObviousNoodles.